Out of the blue…book that is...11/18/06

Why are we always torn between what we know is right and what other people think is best for us? Is it because "people" are given too much credit as a result of our own self-doubt, questioning, or disillusionment? Do we somehow think someone on the outside, granted also rather close, still, not inside our souls, can see things more clearly because they are not "blinded" by our emotions? If it's someone who cares very deeply for us, should we trust that their intentions are pure and only protective? Or is it reasonable to believe they could also be selfishly motivated...

There is a different type of person - one which I have only run across two times in my life - my grandma and Fabian. We understand eachother, but rarely does the one we are with. We try not to think less of the person and excuse them because they just don't know, but the stress and resentment typically builds and it festers in their minds ~ again, the key point to understand on this one is what their motivation is. Additionally, will the inclusion of that person in your life hinder you from what you feel is right because you don't want to hurt them or disappoint them... Sacrifice, compassion, empathy, self-lessness - is that so terrible? Is it so hard to comprehend as a way of life? It is a lot more healthy than you'd think...

Out of the blue…book that is...11/12/06

11/7/06 (revisited)

What I'm finding is that most people think this blog is referring to my upcoming trip. In actuality, it is the grand inquisition I endure often, but especially lately, as I contemplate major life decisions.

The destination I'm referring to is whatever I choose to do with my life, generally speaking. I have a good job, a career per se, but it is definitely not what I want to do forever. I just finished my 4th interview for an internal move - I'm not sure how that will go. I am constantly re-defining my destination - always shooting for bigger/better, not necessarily in the traditional sense; rather, I ask myself, "What will make the most impact on making the world a better place? What is the greatest outlet for the compassion I feel? Will a lifetime of giving be enough to satisfy me? What can I control that will shape my destiny?".

I tend to focus on career more often than relationships. My career has always been my foundation in life. For the past 9 years at my company, it has fulfilled me more than anything else in my life. But, it fulfills me no more. I am not making the world a better place by convincing Home Depot to sell our product over our competitors offering. Sure our company contributes to many charities, but there is no personal satisfaction in that.

I address the relationship portion as my travel companion. I truly believe that God puts people in our paths that either effect change or support and edify us on our journey. The key here is that they are put in our paths. We are not supposed to abandon our destination and pursue someone else's simply because we want some company. We are to continue the pursuit of what we have determined is right for us at that moment and God will provide for our needs - even in the way of encouragement. Sometimes that means we have rivals. And when we encounter those challenges, we can not control their presence. That is their choice. Instead of getting distracted by them - I prefer to view their presence as an acknowledgement of the importance of your journey. Why would they waste their time abandoning their own future, even momentarily, to come antagonize you? I feel honored and only treat them with the utmost kindness, yet disregard anything they say or do that is meant to derail.

What will I bring to my destination? Should it be as little as possible? Should I only gather up what I need at throughout the journey to sustain me? Can I be satisfied or entertained by sentimental offerings to remind me of miles past? I'm not a fan. I'm a minimalist. Resources should not be allocated to such things, as the memory, or renewed thought has more effect in my case. On possessions I know that sacrificing the desires of the "flesh" is the most efficient approach, as any excess above what is required to sustain should be put toward the "cause". However, in my case, there are certain things that, although on the surface may look excessive, actually allow me to cross paths with persons of influence that I can consult or encourage regarding my pursued cause. Often times, "things" enable us to present more convincingly - or to outwardly personify our abilities. The reality is, we are conditioned to make judgment based on an expectation. If an individual does not present well, we assume (bad thing to do, but again, its reality) they are what the majority of other people who have presented themselves similarly represented. It is our challenge to determine which "things" are a benefit vs. which "things" are a hindrance or distraction.

Regardless of success and failure, I do believe that the journey matters. How much is a personal decision. But, the journey can make more of a difference than we will ever acknowledge when we are blinded by our drive to accomplish. Only those who pursue the same or closely similar destination can fully appreciate the impact we made. We may give them a roadmap for everything they should NOT do - but that is just as important as a roadmap that guides them through effortlessly to where we expired. They may not appreciate your struggle if it does not seemingly make their journey less challenging, but that is beyond your control. In the realization of this, resolve to be the opposite.

Do not, however, get distracted by leaving a legacy - for you will, inevitably fail at both that and reaching your destination. It is not about who we are and what we will become. That is a self-defeating attitude. It is about what we can give - making people's lives better...

"The definition of success--To laugh much; to win respect of intelligent persons and the affections of children; to earn the approbation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give one's self; to leave the world a little better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition.; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm, and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived--this is to have succeeded."

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

It is also important to accept and appreciate the gifts that God gives us. Maybe it's a day of sunlight, the embrace of a friend, or the laughing of a child. Regardless, it is to our own demise if we do not take a moment to appreciate and recharge a bit in those moments. Often times, more sustenance can be derived from those moments than anything consumable or otherwise.

Out of the blue…book that is…11/7/06

So close, but so incredibly far away. What is the destination? And if you don't know, how do you know how close you are or how far away for that matter? Is it really about the journey? If it is, then how can any proximity be relative? What if the purpose of the journey is to constantly re-determine the destination, so therefore, there is never really any destination at all – yet, at the same time, there is always a destination…

From where, then, should one derive satisfaction? Is it in each re-definition of a revised destination – assuming of course, that it is a progressive process? Or should it be in the survival of the journey for an exceptional amount of time? Maybe it's in who you gather to travel as your companion – or even as your rival ~ an accomplishment in their acknowledgement. Maybe it's about what you'll bring with you to your destination, although that must be constantly progressed in step with the revision process.

Would it be the path you forge through the unknown? The fact that your legacy remains in a place you are not? Is it in the appreciation of the wonders you encounter on your way? Maybe it's because you took your time – appreciated it all & didn't miss a thing. Maybe it's in the ability to decipher and follow a map. I guess the most important thing to me right now, is to simply keep going – never be discouraged by a stumble or roadblock.

Out of the blue…book that is...10/8/06

So when you're so close and hovering to something you've wanted so bad and for so long ~ something you were sure would be the end ~ your "Z" ~ and you are two fingers from a padded room, do you ask yourself why? Or would that prove the justification they have in their minds to open that door, thrust you inside and feed you with plastic spoons the rest of your life? Do we call this a natural progression? Is this what God kept warning Job about?

How do I know that he sees blue as the same color as I do? Maybe his blue is my red, still we both call it blue~ So how do I not worry about something so important? I mean, there are many, many things blue defines. Important things, like this book! Oh, and the sky, too!! But seriously though, if we both operate under the assumption that what we know as blue is the same color~ and that the composition of that color is not affected by background, illumination, or reflected light from other sources...so if I am not exposed to those same circumstances, my perception of blue may create an entirely different visual sensation, therefore defining my blue as something significantly varied from his. Then we are allowing ourselves to be completely oblivious to the possibility of some major compatibility issues later on that could totally undermine the relationship ~ because if the sky isn't blue, then what is it? Light traveling through space, bumping into dust and gas molecules, reflecting in different directions, the longer wavelengths passing through and the shorter one getting absorbed by gas and radiating its blue to blanket our earth and confuse us all?

Love is not clearly and absolutely defined. Should I let it be or protect myself? Can I have great love without great risk? Is this risk real, or imagined? Is it present, but exaggerated? Maybe it's fed and attracted by its self-perpetuation. Seems like it's self-sustaining. I've overcome worse before, but have I accumulated significant strength for another bout? What if this ends up being the most refreshing, replenishing experience of my life ~ just as represented? What am I missing out on? Blind faith. Bound fear.

I am only the reflection of a Light, far away, my source of inspiration, the origin of my blue.

Out of the blue…book that is...9/14/06

In my life, there have been no shortages of challenges...I tend to welcome them, actually ~ although I claim I'm searching for peace and harmony in my life... Go figure. Anyway, this one, I didn't ask for ~ I didn't seek it out. A hand dealt to me ~ either at conception or per karma... I've tried to play these cards, tried to fold 'em too, but no matter how many rounds I play, the exact same cards come back to me! So, I can either get frustrated and upset about it & get nowhere but frustrated and upset ~ or I can learn to pick a strategic approach to work the next round in my favor. Based on my track record, the second is more likely... The issues here is constraint of the rules of reality. Reality is my friend ~ Reality is the ultimate truth, and truth is my friend.

Out of the blue…book that is...9/9/06

Why are some people so much more content than others, while others insist on resisting happiness even when it pounds on their door? I don't ask this question because I am looking for the answer ~ I am well aware of the possible causes and/or influences. I'm simply sending a message "upstairs". (to my own brain)

***incomplete thought, because I fell asleep during this entry***

About the "Blue Book"

FORWARD: Throughout the second half of my life, I have always kept journals. I believe that they can be a wonderful outlet for happiness, for stress, for things that you can not speak out loud - maybe because you don't have the guts, you don't want to hurt someone, or maybe because you don't want to acknowledge reality....

I wrote so I would not forget. I used to, and sometimes still, repress things - but that's not the only reason I wanted to remember. I wanted to remember so I would learn from my past. Anyone who knows me, knows my philosophy on regrets...I have none...but the only way that is possible is to take my experiences and use them when making decisions in the present.

And I wanted to capture my emotions in the moment, or at least soon there after, whether they were good or bad - to be able to vividly recall them...On occasion, I used them for motivation for change. Other times, to remember and appreciate the blessings I have received in my lifetime.

Most of my previous books are full of some pretty funky stuff, some very sad, some very happy, some confused. Every emotion is captured. Mostly past relationship issues. Some family stuff too, often comtemplating the direction of my life.

I bought a pink one once. Swore I'd only write good things. It started out good. Then I didn't write much. Although it breaks a steadfast rule, blank pages remain - as if a chapter has been left out. One day, I will finish that chapter...when I am ready to revist that part of my life.

Then I found the next one...

The "Blue Book" is a journal of sorts, too. But this one is different. A beautiful soft, Italian leather bound, baby blue. My mom's favorite color...with a crested fleur on the cover. This one was going to be reserved. Reserved for "the one". I held out a good year before the first entry, and even that entry was first written in a separate notebook and later transcribed...I will type exactly as written.

Out of the blue…book that is...9/1/06

I know that we have been somewhat conditioned into thinking that we need love - this was an epiphany I had while my life was turning upside down in 2004. And I realize that it is not truly a necessity for sustaining life on this earth…However, I am also one who intends to be aware of my heart's desire and will likely "live life to the fullest" no matter what place I'm in at a given time. But, sometimes those desires conflict. And sometimes, my logic interferes in a defensive strike and overrules, or dare I say, silences those desires. So often times, I attempt to reason through it all and synchronize the two of them. The past few weeks, I have been trying to figure out whether the space previously reserved for a husband or potential husband could adequately be filled by other interests or causes. I have a massive amount of compassion for all people and especially those in desperate need because of situations they can not control. Would expending that pent up energy, excitement, passion, etc. on that cause be enough to suffice? And if not, should I even be looking for that person in the meantime, or could pursuing that cause keep me satisfied and fulfilled until he comes around? And if he never does, will the void have a negative impact on my life or longevity? And when I am in my final days, will I finally have something to regret?

The Art of Being Wise...

"The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook."

~ William James

Being wise...Something I have obviously not yet mastered. There are so many little things that I am trying to overlook, but they continue to bother me and I am antagonizing myself with questions as to whether or not they should continue to be overlooked.

At what point does an action, and/or the continuous repetition of that action, lose its "overlooking privileges"? And what about things that, even occurring ONCE, didn't qualify for that privilege in the first place??

How do I determine what qualifies and what does not? What if it REALLY annoys me? Does that automatically disqualify it for that privilege of being overlooked? And even more so if I have already made it VERY clear on several occasions that it is such an annoyance?

What if it disgusts me? Or annoys AND disgusts me? Or annoys and disgusts AND angers me? Angers? You ask How did it graduate from annoy to disgust to anger? Read on

What if the action is significant enough to change my opinion of the person doing it? That the original sentiment that I have of that person is completely overridden, at that moment, by the opinion I have of that act and that person when it is being done? And when I am able to overlook the act, I try to recalibrate my opinion of the person as if the act had never occurred with no success, then what?

And the blatant disregard for the several requests to cease and desist? Isnt THAT enough to disqualify the original act for overlooking privileges? Wont the continuance of the act, if overlooked, simply fester and become a major point of issue later, bleeding into other areas and causing unnecessary resentment?

Does requesting that the act be discontinued mean that I am trying to CHANGE who that person is? And because the person continues to act that way, isnt THAT a stronger indication that it is ingrained into that persons being? So if I ask them to change it, even if they do for a short period, chances are that they will revert, right? So whats the point? Shouldnt we all be free to do as we wish? But then, if my wish is to not be around such actions, wouldnt I need to exercise my freedom to remove myself from that situation?

But what if I like a lot of other things about the person? What if the person is genuinely good, but they simply have issues annoying issues? And the person does not like that they annoy me, but still does not stop does that mean that the emphasis, the importance of that act, as an issue, is not present in their mind? Does that mean that the importance of ME is not present either?

And if I have the foresight to realize that this act is will impede the person from being effective with potential future roles and responsibilities, would it be unwise for me to, knowingly, consider them as a candidate for that role?

Am I within my right to be angry about the perplexity of this situation? If I really like the person otherwise, and the thought of not having this person around long term pains me and I consider the adjustment of this factor to be a fairly simple task and yet it is not happening, am I within my right to think that my feelings on the topic are insignificant to the person? And therefore be angry?

And if I am angry if I have devoted all this brain time to the subject and it affects me so, would it not be wise to NOT overlook it?

In my belief of fate creating relationships in our lives for a reason, would this be an exercise in helping the person become more aware? Where does my responsibility to do this end? If I have tried and can not, would this be an exercise in learning when to walk away?

I need to consider the significance of the loss vs the significance of the affects of the act.

Out of the blue…book that is…6/3/06

Thinking of a way to have it all ~ I feel so stifled, there is so much compassion inside my heart that I am not finding an adequate outlet for. It is so much compassion that it would overwhelm even one hundred people. My work is sucking me dry and I feel like I'm wasting time. I must come up with a way to effectively represent myself as an asset to an organization that I would be willing to passionately represent. This is my recent challenge….So we sit in the middle of a fountain near Lake Shore Drive ~ Hadassah takes pictures of me contemplating major life changes ~ which I have been doing the past few days ~ They haven't varied much lately, but are a far cry from previous plans. She is very thrown off. I don't blame her and am trying to be very patient. Her life and mine are so intertwined any flux in mine is a major flux in hers…I must understand why.

Out of the blue…book that is…5/27/06

Missing that "ideal" again. It's so incredibly hard to have the complete awareness that I have something incredible and yet still be yearning for something that is entirely impossible. They are two separate worlds, opposites with extreme possibilities. One brings nothing but happiness in the environment and the relationship, distress. The other, happiness in the relationship and monotony in the environment. Is there an in-between? Or can I have it all ~ my dream?

Out of the blue…book that is…5/17/06

Lamenting the dreaded first entry into "the book" ~ because I have reserved it for the final book in my search. An unrealistic expectation ~ yet again. Doesn't surprise the reader or the writer ~ my typical fare. Do I abhor disappointment ~ of course ~ don't we all? Yet I encourage it. What happened to reckless abandon of youth? Lost…in experience. No matter. "The book" will be there ~ whenever I'm ready for it. Not likely it'll be long.

It's the perfect "something blue" for the wedding day tradition. Maybe it'll be about love in general instead of a particular person ~ not citing specific instances, but instead, the philosophy developed as an explanation to the emotional response to circumstance and even happenstance. This is a much safer approach for the sake of "the book" as well as "the writer". Maybe this will be embraced as the proper approach to chronicling this time in life, when major life decisions are being made - and un-made - on a regular basis. It leaves less pressure to stick with the original, noted plan, although would, therefore not encourage commitment or a resolve to make the "right" decision the first go around. But that has never been my quest ~ obviously. I only resolve to not make the same mistake twice ~ and wait!! Who's calling them mistakes anyway?

If I could go back and had to make these choices again, I know I made the best decision I could at the time with the information I had. Why should that be considered a mistake? Unless, only in light of the opinion of an outsider, which has no bearing. I regress, "the book" will develop into whatever it was meant to be, and I will continue to live authentically. The way I have resolved to live. And those I choose to share my life with, will be named if I choose, or will remain obscure, if more appropriate. The writing of the next chapter commences…

Response to "Potential"

Although when I originally posted "Potential", I was referring to my tendency to be extremely patient with people in my life that were a consistent disappointment, new situations create a different perception of its meaning.

Love can be anything that we want it to be. We can look at a person we love and decide whether or not we see faults. Often times the faults we see in others are actually a reflection of our own insecurities. It us looking for a way out - or even a way to avoid the situation altogether. I cannot say it is irrational - there is a definite path of logic behind this approach. I cannot dismiss it as ignorant, either - for in fact, it is a very intellectual approach. But, if we wanted to have a lifelong intellectual relationship, then why not look for a mentorship instead of looking for love? Love is not meant to be intellectual. One does not have to hold a high IQ to truly be in love.

Love is about sentiment and emotion. That is not to say that logic should never enter the picture, but there must be a definite balance. There are many faults that love chooses to overlook because from the 30,000 ft level, they are extremely insignificant and would not affect one's overall happiness or the potential for an eternal relationship.

There are, however, those who choose to overlook those faults that would condemn love before it had even been incepted. That used to be me. Spiting my incorrigible heart, which had been broken - not one, but several times, I consistently put it back on the "line" for the sake of an investment with no certain promise of return. In fact, post heartbreak, I'd overcompensate by taking even greater risks in situations where my logic SCREAMED for me to heed it's warnings as if I had a secret attraction to intense pain and unhappiness. But my motivation was to never, ever let heartache and disappointment get the best of me. To never, ever let my faith and hope be stolen by circumstance.

I am a firm believer in fate - "what will be, will be" - and with that belief, I would not be put in the path of someone if there was not a lesson to be learned from the interaction with them. So, if I was attracted to that person, it was because I was supposed to be, so why wouldn't I go with it?

In my most recently ended relationship, I knew - even from the very first day, that it was going to be an uphill battle that I was not likely to win. But, I am not one to back away from a challenge. My objective was to be flexible enough in mind that I would not allow the things to bother me that are basic principles of self-respect. I sacrificed my own dignity for the sake of potential and not only did it not pay off, I ended up below sea level, struggling to gain sight of the hope that was once blinding me. And now, the person that deserves that optimism the most, suffers.

So let's revisit fate, yet again. If that was truly meant to have happened the way it did, then, unfortunately, innocent parties end up suffering. Such is life, right? Well, a few days ago, I decided to simply step back, stop processing every little detail - stop looking for ways out - and simply be.

Since doing that, I realize that I have become so accustomed to the disappointment that I may even miss it. Why is it that I can not enjoy happiness? I know that we are creatures of habit and do not adapt well to change, but if I can do the "mind over matter" thing to get me to be able to put up with someone's faults, why can I not do the same to be able to enjoy someone's virtues?

Am I that accustomed to sacrificing that I can not receive? How do I retrain myself to see things for what they are and not speculate on how horrible they could become? And, how did I ever allow myself to get this way in the first place when I was so strong-willed against ever letting this happen? As strong as I am, why did I ever give up on my determination?

Was it the depth of devotion that allowed the wound to run as deep? Was the pain that unbearable that I would change my entire course to avoid it all the while sacrificing the realization of my dreams of happiness that I had always longed for? Why was HE that important that I would allow him that honor?

Am I not being fair to the virtuous one? Should I deny myself of that defense for his sake, or would denying ANY part of myself be inauthentic and result in a projected uncertainty and resentment?

Why do I need these answers with such immediate concern? Again, we bring ourselves full circle. And back to the beginning.

enough isn't enough

I'm trying to remember all the things I dislike about you so I can try to convince myself to hate you. This would be much easier if I hated you...Last night, a picture of a family had me in tears. I get this sick, sick feeling in my stomach when I think of how much I know we are supposed to be together, but know how much it would hurt me to be with you right now. I feel like this is a test - of my own self-worth, I think. To prove to me that I'm worth that much...Enough that I should not be willing to settle for someone who does not treat and respect me like a queen.

Even now, as I write, there is a huge knot in my throat, tears well up in my eyes at the thought of no you! What were we supposed to be? If not forever, were we long enough? If enough, why do I have such a void where you once were? Every day my heart breaks a little more. I wish for it to soon, begin to mend instead.

I wish my mind would step in and overpower my heart again. No substitute is cutting it. Only logic can have an effect - emotion must submit.

what I didn't have

"One day you will realize what you had. I will only realize what I didn't have and then I will not have any regret for letting you go. I love you, bu this is the end. I hope you will one day find peace. I will pray for that for you, always."

And that is how I decided to end it on Sunday, March 5 ~ today, three days later, I've finally had a moment to vent. This is not my first attempt at separation, it's just that the last few times, I've broken down, justifying it by saying, "we're both adults, not answering the phone is the childish way to handle this."

But getting sucked back into his world just from being around him and in contact with him has not proven beneficial. There is still a significant lack of respect and he is still incredibly selfish. I'm not going to make myself vulnerable again. Answering the phone, when the calls every day, would open the door to more heartache.

I'm through with heartache - no more. Yet I miss him like mad. I yearn for his voice, his idiosyncrasies. I secretly hope he'll keep calling and that the realization of the seriousness of my withdrawal will fuel him to fight for me, with time I want to resist those kind of efforts ~ an extreme push to demonstrate change that I can pretend has no effect on me for the sake of instilling a sense of value to the spoiled brat that is him.

I hope things ~ simple things~ in his everyday life, remind him of me - so I can haunt him with the loss, with his mistake. I want him to try to visit me at my house when I don't answer my phone because he is missing me so much and be able to deny him ~ to let him feel so close and get pushed away.

Part of this is a game - one I've sworn I'd never play, so I'm determined to suppress these secret desires and stick to the plan. I don't want to have to teach him a lesson so he'll appreciate me more.If he doesn't know it, understand it, right now, he never really will.

I won't settle for less than love ~ the two sided, reciprocated kind. I'm not waiting forever, either, for him to come around.

If God wants it, it'll be right ~ there will be peace. I need to embrace this concept and forsake everything else.

somebody answered the phone

"please, don't make this harder for me than it already is..."

"we were friends before we had contemplated anything else. don't forget that what we had can and should be eternal...we cared about eachother."

"you know, I thought it would hurt worst at the beginning and get better with time, but every single day it's worse. you didn't break my heart, you shredded it."

"don't try to be all firm and professional like you're negotiating a business deal. I am a person with feelings. this is my life, my happiness..."