And that is how I decided to end it on Sunday, March 5 ~ today, three days later, I've finally had a moment to vent. This is not my first attempt at separation, it's just that the last few times, I've broken down, justifying it by saying, "we're both adults, not answering the phone is the childish way to handle this."
But getting sucked back into his world just from being around him and in contact with him has not proven beneficial. There is still a significant lack of respect and he is still incredibly selfish. I'm not going to make myself vulnerable again. Answering the phone, when the calls every day, would open the door to more heartache.
I'm through with heartache - no more. Yet I miss him like mad. I yearn for his voice, his idiosyncrasies. I secretly hope he'll keep calling and that the realization of the seriousness of my withdrawal will fuel him to fight for me, with time I want to resist those kind of efforts ~ an extreme push to demonstrate change that I can pretend has no effect on me for the sake of instilling a sense of value to the spoiled brat that is him.
I hope things ~ simple things~ in his everyday life, remind him of me - so I can haunt him with the loss, with his mistake. I want him to try to visit me at my house when I don't answer my phone because he is missing me so much and be able to deny him ~ to let him feel so close and get pushed away.
Part of this is a game - one I've sworn I'd never play, so I'm determined to suppress these secret desires and stick to the plan. I don't want to have to teach him a lesson so he'll appreciate me more.If he doesn't know it, understand it, right now, he never really will.
I won't settle for less than love ~ the two sided, reciprocated kind. I'm not waiting forever, either, for him to come around.
If God wants it, it'll be right ~ there will be peace. I need to embrace this concept and forsake everything else.
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