Although when I originally posted "Potential", I was referring to my tendency to be extremely patient with people in my life that were a consistent disappointment, new situations create a different perception of its meaning.
Love can be anything that we want it to be. We can look at a person we love and decide whether or not we see faults. Often times the faults we see in others are actually a reflection of our own insecurities. It us looking for a way out - or even a way to avoid the situation altogether. I cannot say it is irrational - there is a definite path of logic behind this approach. I cannot dismiss it as ignorant, either - for in fact, it is a very intellectual approach. But, if we wanted to have a lifelong intellectual relationship, then why not look for a mentorship instead of looking for love? Love is not meant to be intellectual. One does not have to hold a high IQ to truly be in love.
Love is about sentiment and emotion. That is not to say that logic should never enter the picture, but there must be a definite balance. There are many faults that love chooses to overlook because from the 30,000 ft level, they are extremely insignificant and would not affect one's overall happiness or the potential for an eternal relationship.
There are, however, those who choose to overlook those faults that would condemn love before it had even been incepted. That used to be me. Spiting my incorrigible heart, which had been broken - not one, but several times, I consistently put it back on the "line" for the sake of an investment with no certain promise of return. In fact, post heartbreak, I'd overcompensate by taking even greater risks in situations where my logic SCREAMED for me to heed it's warnings as if I had a secret attraction to intense pain and unhappiness. But my motivation was to never, ever let heartache and disappointment get the best of me. To never, ever let my faith and hope be stolen by circumstance.
I am a firm believer in fate - "what will be, will be" - and with that belief, I would not be put in the path of someone if there was not a lesson to be learned from the interaction with them. So, if I was attracted to that person, it was because I was supposed to be, so why wouldn't I go with it?
In my most recently ended relationship, I knew - even from the very first day, that it was going to be an uphill battle that I was not likely to win. But, I am not one to back away from a challenge. My objective was to be flexible enough in mind that I would not allow the things to bother me that are basic principles of self-respect. I sacrificed my own dignity for the sake of potential and not only did it not pay off, I ended up below sea level, struggling to gain sight of the hope that was once blinding me. And now, the person that deserves that optimism the most, suffers.
So let's revisit fate, yet again. If that was truly meant to have happened the way it did, then, unfortunately, innocent parties end up suffering. Such is life, right? Well, a few days ago, I decided to simply step back, stop processing every little detail - stop looking for ways out - and simply be.
Since doing that, I realize that I have become so accustomed to the disappointment that I may even miss it. Why is it that I can not enjoy happiness? I know that we are creatures of habit and do not adapt well to change, but if I can do the "mind over matter" thing to get me to be able to put up with someone's faults, why can I not do the same to be able to enjoy someone's virtues?
Am I that accustomed to sacrificing that I can not receive? How do I retrain myself to see things for what they are and not speculate on how horrible they could become? And, how did I ever allow myself to get this way in the first place when I was so strong-willed against ever letting this happen? As strong as I am, why did I ever give up on my determination?
Was it the depth of devotion that allowed the wound to run as deep? Was the pain that unbearable that I would change my entire course to avoid it all the while sacrificing the realization of my dreams of happiness that I had always longed for? Why was HE that important that I would allow him that honor?
Am I not being fair to the virtuous one? Should I deny myself of that defense for his sake, or would denying ANY part of myself be inauthentic and result in a projected uncertainty and resentment?
Why do I need these answers with such immediate concern? Again, we bring ourselves full circle. And back to the beginning.
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