Wanting to write more, but not finding privacy anywhere but in my head...Can't keep track of all the thoughts through the progression of the past two days. Seeing you, almost a stranger - but not stranger enough to forget what causes the tug of war in my mind. We dance the tide, switching roles often. I pull you in, you pull away - you invited me to go, but would barely brush against me most of the night, unless for show. Have good news; be happier or at least happy as the rest. Obligation was my saviour - I got the New Year kiss...although very one sided. Only I know forgiveness, seemingly, in that moment - to my own demise. You were tired, things were loud. Your ears hurt, you lay your head against me, my arm and chest insulation from the raucous. I got to caress and kiss your head, remember, I'm still here - uncomfortable, but fighting.
Investing in your love economy, I see little gain. You go home, I get no call to assure safety and worry in shame. Why should I care? He drove away...wanted the day alone. Medicine for us both. All day it continues, but mostly ebb and no flow. Disrupting gravity - smothering our roots...Tonight, after my day of purging (read, cleaning like a mad woman) and selfishness (read, surrounding myself with my 4 favorite girlies), and your day of recuperating (read, sleeping off a crappy cold and shutting out everyone but your dad), I swallow my pride, face my fears, let down my shields and call again. "Are you not wanting to talk to me anymore, or what?" No, you had just "crashed". We exchange niceties, it's late - both with things to do, we choose to migrate to the multi-task friendly, more private, less vulnerable realm of chat.
You mention a movie, I check it the reviews - starts a conversation about dreams and reality not working out - it hits home. Don't want to reinforce the fear in favor of faith...Reminds me to tell you about some self-discovery I've been focused on - how sometimes the fear grows much bigger than the faith, and I feel I can't fight the fear alone. My faith loses strength until I stop focusing on the fear long enough to feed the faith again.
Each time I face this, there's this temporary strength. "Be independent and believe in yourself." I can be happy - I have family, and "family" - I'm not alone. People love me and wish me well - kick my butt when I need it - pick me up after I've shunned their advice. Respecting my authenticity.
With their unconditional support - and that shunned, but not forgotten advice, I have been able to realize a lot about myself. Like for instance that I forgive so easily that I don't force myself or anyone else to face reality. I shut down my emotions so I don't have to face them. In fact, I am so uncomfortable facing them that I stifle them and then eventually they explode....well all my emotions except for love. The most explosive ones being fear, grief, anger...I overcompensate for the stifilation (add that to your dictionary) of them by giving away my love so easily, like a free-flowing fountain of healing to anyone that holds out their hand - but more importantly for myself. It is the only thing that makes me feel better - and distracts me from the other emotions I keep feeling so strongly but don't want to deal with.
Now comes the contradiction: so I give this magic stuff away like it's nothing - like it'll never run out, and I'll never get tired of distributing it...but I hurt - and tremendously is an understatement here - when it is taken for granted and/or not returned. This is my recognized failure of a human trying her dandiest to carry out part of one Divine instruction - while forgetting the rest and several others. It is the struggle to prioritize specifics of Spiritual law - and apply them to an incomplete context...like planting seeds on untilled soil and expecting an earthly harvest without faith for supplemental provision of manna.
This is evident as being independent, although a big part of me, is not happy. Happy is giving. Happy is loving. Happy is realizing dreams. Happy is working together to become more and better. Happy is investing with only faith and hope, not for gain, but for peace and harmony that result only when my life is in line with Divine instruction. Happy can not be always, but usually is enough for me. When the resulting gaps are filled with Love (Agape) and love (philia), I can survive anything.
But the faith - eluding me, eluding us - is something for which we need a path/some unbiased guidance... because that faith is something at least I, have been so quick to abandon for fear. (and I assume you too, or a variation of the sort, based on your actions/reactions and recounted feelings about them) We are so afraid of losing each other’s love that we go to desperate lengths to hold on to it in any way we possibly can. There are better ways to handle this, but in our individual efforts to change, we are not finding any sense of security that we'll end up ok. So we go to extremes...and we break each other’s hearts.
Add to that our fear of disappointing the other. We are so concerned of failing in choosing each other, having been destroyed in our previous commitments. So we have unrealistically high standards that we are never entirely satisfied with each other and change all the time depending on how strong the fear and especially the reinforcement of the fear. So we are striving to hit a moving target and each failure to do so adds to the fear of the other and decreases the odds that it will ever happen. Then when the other is disappointed in us, we are devastated because we are working so hard and that is either not recognized, or our own sense of defeat dominates and we begin to resent each other. We try so hard to secure our future that we try ourselves right out of any possibility of realizing it.
I don't know the solution, and nothing either of us tries has been the end all be all...we both agree.
We discuss the past few weeks at length and in excruciating detail that somehow proves to be therapeutic. I made sure you knew you were being heard and made sure you understood where I was coming from. Both of us more than willing to concede toward the end. To prioritize healing and undoing damage. My heart believes you. I can feel that unique love we have again - faith is fed, hope returns...
I await tomorrow, for a tactile reinforcement. We're doing an "us" thing...not giving up.
Investing in your love economy, I see little gain. You go home, I get no call to assure safety and worry in shame. Why should I care? He drove away...wanted the day alone. Medicine for us both. All day it continues, but mostly ebb and no flow. Disrupting gravity - smothering our roots...Tonight, after my day of purging (read, cleaning like a mad woman) and selfishness (read, surrounding myself with my 4 favorite girlies), and your day of recuperating (read, sleeping off a crappy cold and shutting out everyone but your dad), I swallow my pride, face my fears, let down my shields and call again. "Are you not wanting to talk to me anymore, or what?" No, you had just "crashed". We exchange niceties, it's late - both with things to do, we choose to migrate to the multi-task friendly, more private, less vulnerable realm of chat.
You mention a movie, I check it the reviews - starts a conversation about dreams and reality not working out - it hits home. Don't want to reinforce the fear in favor of faith...Reminds me to tell you about some self-discovery I've been focused on - how sometimes the fear grows much bigger than the faith, and I feel I can't fight the fear alone. My faith loses strength until I stop focusing on the fear long enough to feed the faith again.
Each time I face this, there's this temporary strength. "Be independent and believe in yourself." I can be happy - I have family, and "family" - I'm not alone. People love me and wish me well - kick my butt when I need it - pick me up after I've shunned their advice. Respecting my authenticity.
With their unconditional support - and that shunned, but not forgotten advice, I have been able to realize a lot about myself. Like for instance that I forgive so easily that I don't force myself or anyone else to face reality. I shut down my emotions so I don't have to face them. In fact, I am so uncomfortable facing them that I stifle them and then eventually they explode....well all my emotions except for love. The most explosive ones being fear, grief, anger...I overcompensate for the stifilation (add that to your dictionary) of them by giving away my love so easily, like a free-flowing fountain of healing to anyone that holds out their hand - but more importantly for myself. It is the only thing that makes me feel better - and distracts me from the other emotions I keep feeling so strongly but don't want to deal with.
Now comes the contradiction: so I give this magic stuff away like it's nothing - like it'll never run out, and I'll never get tired of distributing it...but I hurt - and tremendously is an understatement here - when it is taken for granted and/or not returned. This is my recognized failure of a human trying her dandiest to carry out part of one Divine instruction - while forgetting the rest and several others. It is the struggle to prioritize specifics of Spiritual law - and apply them to an incomplete context...like planting seeds on untilled soil and expecting an earthly harvest without faith for supplemental provision of manna.
This is evident as being independent, although a big part of me, is not happy. Happy is giving. Happy is loving. Happy is realizing dreams. Happy is working together to become more and better. Happy is investing with only faith and hope, not for gain, but for peace and harmony that result only when my life is in line with Divine instruction. Happy can not be always, but usually is enough for me. When the resulting gaps are filled with Love (Agape) and love (philia), I can survive anything.
But the faith - eluding me, eluding us - is something for which we need a path/some unbiased guidance... because that faith is something at least I, have been so quick to abandon for fear. (and I assume you too, or a variation of the sort, based on your actions/reactions and recounted feelings about them) We are so afraid of losing each other’s love that we go to desperate lengths to hold on to it in any way we possibly can. There are better ways to handle this, but in our individual efforts to change, we are not finding any sense of security that we'll end up ok. So we go to extremes...and we break each other’s hearts.
Add to that our fear of disappointing the other. We are so concerned of failing in choosing each other, having been destroyed in our previous commitments. So we have unrealistically high standards that we are never entirely satisfied with each other and change all the time depending on how strong the fear and especially the reinforcement of the fear. So we are striving to hit a moving target and each failure to do so adds to the fear of the other and decreases the odds that it will ever happen. Then when the other is disappointed in us, we are devastated because we are working so hard and that is either not recognized, or our own sense of defeat dominates and we begin to resent each other. We try so hard to secure our future that we try ourselves right out of any possibility of realizing it.
I don't know the solution, and nothing either of us tries has been the end all be all...we both agree.
We discuss the past few weeks at length and in excruciating detail that somehow proves to be therapeutic. I made sure you knew you were being heard and made sure you understood where I was coming from. Both of us more than willing to concede toward the end. To prioritize healing and undoing damage. My heart believes you. I can feel that unique love we have again - faith is fed, hope returns...
I await tomorrow, for a tactile reinforcement. We're doing an "us" thing...not giving up.
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