I want to text you again, but i can't. So "Good morning, baby. I hope you're up and feeling better. Your black twill pants, striped shirt and new black sweater, driving mocs and DG would look best. Spiff it up, and on your way. Drive safe. Should take a smidge more than an hour." You'll be on the road soon. Then I'd send another, "Remember, I love you and believe in you. You'll do great. This is another beginning of good things for us. You make me proud...Can't wait to hear all about it when you get home tonight. I'll have dinner waiting. Check in at lunch if you can. xoxo" I check out of my fantasy. I have to face the shower - my ultimate think tank. Hope I survive without becoming a mess. Wish you had me on your wrist. But will put it in the safe and keep it as long as there is hope in my heart.
**You call me. Of course, I answer. Asked why I would go to your father for help, tell him things you wanted to be kept between us. I explain you left me with no other choice...you need help and pleaded with you to stop denying the facts. You ask why I would tell them the things you said about Christmas. Because they deserve to know and your dad needs to realize how you lash out at the ones that love you most - that its not just me; and that you continue to lie. Maybe you will listen to him and he will hold your feet to the fire. You still "don't understand" and you still deny any responsibility that you are disrespectful.**
They try to convince me to give up. It's not worth the investment, you'll never change. Still I defend and believe in you, knowing they could be right. Like they were the last time(s). I will stand by you and fight your demons with you, as long as you are fighting too.
You were the last to put garbage in my trash, the tissue before this was pulled by you. Bottom drawer, off limits. There's pain in there...
I won today, no ticket for me. Can't share the good news. You called your dad. So happy for you. An office, with a door. Makes me smile. I can't hate you like they tell me to. I chose you , I want your success, not rock bottom. Running to a town near you. Have an errand down the street. Want to meet up but my dignity insists not...no status update for you. No reply for me. A mix of emotion, first the air of relief, now on the verge of tears. Past the Jewish deli with the huge sandwich, the Europeans, and the pet lady. Were remaking memories that day...to torture ourselves with later.
Reassure myself I'll survive. Know it's true, but the interim reality I can't see beyond. Sooooo tired, want to sleep for a month.
Watching them get their marriage license. I take care of my business at the courthouse.
Had given up plans to be able to be there when you got home. Defended it to your sister when she asked. Knew how important it would be for you to tell me about your first day. Now, I even consider dinner with a friend, who I also turned down for us. Won't get me anything. I wouldn't be there even if I went. Got a repeat invite, but my heart hurts tonight. So no.
Cursing Christmas lights and comic con. What was I thinking? Will you forget about me? Begging for a distraction so I can forget you...don't want to be the fool. Neither do you. Why do we even fight? Do you even love me? Can you ever love someone more than yourself?
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