(late post from 1/20/09)
You came to get your things after an evening of badmouthing me to your sister. She didn't buy it. In fact, all you did was confirm all the things I have told them about how you are toward people. I don't know why someone so smart doesn't see that when you talk about me behind my back, it only makes it even more plausible that you would be doing it to them as well...
Not my problem anymore.
Your sister did not go with for the retrieval. She shouldn't be in the middle anyway. After delaying the meeting, in what was likely an attempt to inflame me, you came and stood outside like a beaten dog. The perpetual victim. I'm beyond sick of your act and being at your mercy. You're only a victim of your self. In this moment, I have no sympathy. I needed to leave my house for the past hour, but had to wait for you. So while I waited, I called a new friend. Was on the phone with him making plans to see him the next day. My only words to you, "thank you".
When you left, my "big plans" were to go get ice cream with my sister - who watched the whole encounter like an angel from a far. Recounting the story to those concerned immediately afterward, it began to hit me - a rush of tears, held back with strength they bolstered with their cheers and pride in such a big step I had finally taken. Still, I hurt - suppress the desire to crawl into a hole for a month and forge on.
The following day, I hear you were not happy about the brief encounter - the phone call - the lack of regard. Really, you were not happy there was no drama - I didn't prove you right. Where was your police escort you said you would need, since I am the one always causing problems, right? I shake my head in disgust and exhaustion. You admit - you're not happy I am already moving on - saying it proves I could never have loved you as much as I claimed.
However you want to reinforce your victim stance, I don't care. I refuse to dwell anymore. It has been 2 years of stress and sometimes agony. Even you said, "If I am such an asshole, then why do you stay with me?" My typical reply, "I don't know!!" Well, what can I say now, except I've finally learned. After all the holidays you've ruined with your mouth - with your attention starved-starting-crap-for-no-reason-bullshit - I've decided to employ my "life is way to short to stay with assholes" clause.
Passion can only carry you so far. And love should not replace self-respect. I will always love you - but the intensity of that love at the expense of my happiness is no longer there. The well is dry. I need a refill, and I'm that is what I am pursuing. It doesn't have to come from a person. It will come from finding and doing things that make me happy. And the sacrifice, when it comes, will not be unwarranted.
So, on another note, I haven't slept with the shirt for almost a week. I still think of you all the time, but now, the thoughts are fleeting. I don't dwell. Almost in tears a few times, but so much less than before. I only lament what could have been based on the few, tiny elements of the relationship that resembled my life's dream. I don't lament the things that were - because the good was enveloped by the bad. A harsh reality to face.
And now, I swear I will never ever ever be with anyone that will ever deny or betray me like you had, and especially that you did it so early on - when you could not have possibly known enough about me to have justified it even in a TWISTED mind like your own. You did it because you are evil. Poison, like Grandma said. I will never again be with someone who only thinks of himself. And I don't want someone who needs to change his core to be my love. I want someone who is passionately in love with me and us and would do anything for to ensure our happiness and well-being. Because that is how I love. It is how I loved you...but I was the only one.
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