I would have given anything but my self respect to have come back and climbed in bed to just hold you. Breaks my heart to not. To reach out to the only one left who can, if not to save us, at least save you - knowing the pain it will cause, but completely necessary - and out of desperation, I do. As the moment draws near, I hurt as I anticipate its progression, a nervous wreck, stomach flips its way up to my closed throat...fear of you. Fear of no you.
Recalling the message at church, depicting my ideal life, vows to my spouse, lessons we would teach our kids...all with you. Turning left on 47 instead of right...longing for a detour. Drove past the white church; john mayer...was with you. You're everywhere along this route. Having to face Grandma's fate made undeniably real in stone...without you. The last visit, a bantering folly - but still, you were there. Addressing Grandpa's inquiry for two, as only one. Nothing's wrong. But it is.
Wanting to let you go and embrace peace - but inside, just as much turmoil. Rejecting a destiny of discontentment, I wonder why we aren't worth your pride.
It's not supposed to be like this.
I refuse to become numb.
I text you good luck. No reply, but that's expected. I sleep next to pillows I refuse to smell...until this morning as I make the bed. I sneak in a puff like stealing a cigarette without getting caught. My new toothbrush, the toothpaste you 'stole', your towel went to the laundry - I now regret it. Cetaphil. I'll leave your things, hoping you'll come back to me. Hoping you'll keep your promise and soften your heart. I prayed that for you so many times yesterday and today. I love you so...Still promise to see us through if you'll see the right path and choose it. So tired.
No comments:
Post a Comment