everything but the ultimatum

Not knowing what to do, and neither option seems right. Wishing for some miracle, a sign of desperation of which I am ashamed. I hate pretending. I feel like we are fooling ourselves.

Little by little my heart is pulling away, and I know it's because I truly don't believe this will ever happen. And I don't want to pretend I will hold on forever, because it's a lie. He is losing me. Not to someone else...to ANYTHING else. To an international assignment, to giving up on marriage and adopting if at all, to incessant travel and humanitarian aide, to literally anything I can expend myself on and not feel trapped or punished or dependent or reckless or stupid or confused or overwhelmed...he could even lose me to superficiality, operating on such a high level that it can't torture me anymore.

I am not blaming him. I am just keeping him informed. I am not a fixer by nature when it comes to relationships. I have always found things to change in myself to make it work, but it never does. I don't know how to call him out and blame him for this. Instead, I defend him in my mind. But I can not find a way to make this feel right. I can not. And I can not do something to fix myself either...anything I try will only make it worse in the long run... I do not know what to do except be honest.

I love him, but I am not happy.

And I know it hurts for him to hear, but I promised to always keep him informed on this subject. It would hurt more if he found out after the fact and had no opportunity to respond. I know he wants us to be happy too...but I don't know how much longer... I can not change his mindset, the reason he is in the place he is...why he is limited in what he has accomplished. I feel it is inherent and he has reached his limit. He is frustrated at his potential which he feels he is far from...he thinks he can be more...I believed that at one time. Two years ago.

I am trying to fill a role with a different person than I have. I want to appreciate him for who he is and not always be wanting him to be something else or something different or something more. It is not fair to make him resent himself for not being my ideal. And it is not fair that I feel filth for wanting him to be something he is not.

Sometimes holding on means letting go...

Holding on to my dreams and wishes and sanity without feeling guilty and like I am hurting him and disappointing us both...

Him holding on to who he is, to the desire to have a relationship where he feels like he is enough...