impossible

You don't know my life story, but somehow you know me better than anyone who does...

seventeen

Revisited a place I haven't been in a very long time...very surreal to relive the thoughts that fill in the pauses between words.

Refusing to be crippled, happy with my current state, those distant memories will not uproot what has taken seventeen years to establish.

In context, survival. In memory, unfathomable! Still who I am, and better for it.

lost

Resorting to humor, to protect the truth, has distorted the laugh to the point of ineffectiveness. Sadness has begun to set in.

Did I allow myself to get to this point? Or was it inevitable? Would it have been better to avoid? Or would it have hunted me down anyway?

I'm left feeling lost.

everything but the ultimatum

Not knowing what to do, and neither option seems right. Wishing for some miracle, a sign of desperation of which I am ashamed. I hate pretending. I feel like we are fooling ourselves.

Little by little my heart is pulling away, and I know it's because I truly don't believe this will ever happen. And I don't want to pretend I will hold on forever, because it's a lie. He is losing me. Not to someone else...to ANYTHING else. To an international assignment, to giving up on marriage and adopting if at all, to incessant travel and humanitarian aide, to literally anything I can expend myself on and not feel trapped or punished or dependent or reckless or stupid or confused or overwhelmed...he could even lose me to superficiality, operating on such a high level that it can't torture me anymore.

I am not blaming him. I am just keeping him informed. I am not a fixer by nature when it comes to relationships. I have always found things to change in myself to make it work, but it never does. I don't know how to call him out and blame him for this. Instead, I defend him in my mind. But I can not find a way to make this feel right. I can not. And I can not do something to fix myself either...anything I try will only make it worse in the long run... I do not know what to do except be honest.

I love him, but I am not happy.

And I know it hurts for him to hear, but I promised to always keep him informed on this subject. It would hurt more if he found out after the fact and had no opportunity to respond. I know he wants us to be happy too...but I don't know how much longer... I can not change his mindset, the reason he is in the place he is...why he is limited in what he has accomplished. I feel it is inherent and he has reached his limit. He is frustrated at his potential which he feels he is far from...he thinks he can be more...I believed that at one time. Two years ago.

I am trying to fill a role with a different person than I have. I want to appreciate him for who he is and not always be wanting him to be something else or something different or something more. It is not fair to make him resent himself for not being my ideal. And it is not fair that I feel filth for wanting him to be something he is not.

Sometimes holding on means letting go...

Holding on to my dreams and wishes and sanity without feeling guilty and like I am hurting him and disappointing us both...

Him holding on to who he is, to the desire to have a relationship where he feels like he is enough...

Sometimes holding on, means letting go...

When Compassion and passion from a single source collide, it is with great magnitude and disruption, uprooting a sound perception of security and creating an environment that may have existed but was unrecognized or unacknowledged. A hurricane. Inevitably altering the course once securely chartered, the unfortunate reality is that those who operate on a deep enough level to anticipate and preemptively reroute, are rarely steering the S.S. Agility.

The depth of the ship may seem as deep as the ocean...dragging on the bottom, you can't steer your way out. You're feeling stuck with a dream that is bigger than your world. Relativity only comes into focus when you're no longer at the helm.  The actual truth is something of which I am aware, but unable to process - a most debilitating and frustrating thing. Of course, a choice. Still no feasible way to implement. Self imposed limitations I have not found a route around.

A compassion for others, beyond my reach, drives a passion to extend...but the compassion for those close, drives a passion to stay. The passion for children, both those in need and my own desire to experience first hand, are both quickly becoming a faint dream. Whereas previously, it seemed the pursuit of my own was a more likely prospect, again, I bottom - out. 

I have not found anyone in whom I can find reprieve and this journey is long...I have not prepared to sail this monster alone. The perfect plan to accommodate the passion AND compassion, the compassion AND passion. Blame society, intelligently designed human nature, or foolishness carried over from my youthful naivety, there is no denying it. There is no perfect plan. I live the reality daily. I fight my own imagined complexity, with my own over-stimulated logical analytics. I know I can do this, I know I can count on friends, maybe even family...I know I don't need a fully committed partner of sorts to pursue my dreams...I know i am strong.

But, sometimes holding on, means letting go. Sometimes there just IS NO balance that everyone tells you to seek. And maybe their experience of balance was only their perception of it. The eye of the hurricane. And without being able to see the entire ocean, you can only see the storm...and in a storm, you hang on for dear life to anything you can get your hands on. Until....well, until you're strong enough to not.