Out of the blue...book that is...10/24/2010

Airline air...what is it that is so inspiring? Maybe it's the "cage"...trapped, in a world of no distraction interesting enough to free me from my thoughts. So I follow my own advice and inquire within...

Edge of the world...that's where I reside, mentally everything will soon change despite any outside influence. Something must give. My dreams POUND on my door...Happiness raps like rain on my window pane, beckoning me to come out and play. Like a child, grounded for misbehaving, I dare not leave responsibility ~ this punishment ~ for bad decisions past ~ and risk a worse fate.

Yet, if tomorrow does not greet me, where am I left? Gone. Simply gone. No legend, no legacy, no contribution beyond the fleeting moment of loss. What cripples me? Fear I face regularly, so I doubt this is the culprit. Laziness? I can barely sit still... Why do I feel trapped? The relationship I am in only leads me down a road to an unnamed place, but that journey is not my exclusive outlet nor does it demand to be. I don't need hand-holding ~ maybe moreso a traffic conductor, yelling at me when the light is red, but they still wave me through the intersection to the safe left turn I yearn for. 

At 32 years old, I am losing execution time. A pressure motivated, over-analyzer of a perfectionist. When is good, good enough? Rarely. But without executing a less than perfect plan, I execute nothing! Why and How is it possible that this is acceptable to me? Can I not see that the end result of a perfectionist life is a gigantic NOTHING? The little black book of opportunities mocks me! Not even because of the conventional use of such a thing ~ for this book will surely yield a much higher success rate.

Pursuits. Eight letters of evasion. Must I proceed alone? 

"Be anxious for nothing". I remember my mom citing this often, yet in reading her journals, she struggled just as I do. At what point do we learn to let go? For her, I don't know if it ever came before her life was over. On one hand, I'm anxious to execute, on the other hand, I am anxious to leave nothing behind. That the world will be no better for me having been in it. 

What change do I need to make for this to no longer plague me? Is it a page in the black book? Is there a calling I have not pursued or maybe have not even discovered at this point? These thoughts, along with a yearning to fill a void in my relationships rob me of sleep of my peace. And I only find peace in destruction's aftermath.I find peace in running all the time. Not running away ~ running to fix, to help, to solve. What kind of life is this? Not one for a husband of devotion.