abandoning travels down the one way street

(late post from 1/20/09)

You came to get your things after an evening of badmouthing me to your sister. She didn't buy it. In fact, all you did was confirm all the things I have told them about how you are toward people. I don't know why someone so smart doesn't see that when you talk about me behind my back, it only makes it even more plausible that you would be doing it to them as well...

Not my problem anymore.

Your sister did not go with for the retrieval. She shouldn't be in the middle anyway. After delaying the meeting, in what was likely an attempt to inflame me, you came and stood outside like a beaten dog. The perpetual victim. I'm beyond sick of your act and being at your mercy. You're only a victim of your self. In this moment, I have no sympathy. I needed to leave my house for the past hour, but had to wait for you. So while I waited, I called a new friend. Was on the phone with him making plans to see him the next day. My only words to you, "thank you".

When you left, my "big plans" were to go get ice cream with my sister - who watched the whole encounter like an angel from a far. Recounting the story to those concerned immediately afterward, it began to hit me - a rush of tears, held back with strength they bolstered with their cheers and pride in such a big step I had finally taken. Still, I hurt - suppress the desire to crawl into a hole for a month and forge on.

The following day, I hear you were not happy about the brief encounter - the phone call - the lack of regard. Really, you were not happy there was no drama - I didn't prove you right. Where was your police escort you said you would need, since I am the one always causing problems, right? I shake my head in disgust and exhaustion. You admit - you're not happy I am already moving on - saying it proves I could never have loved you as much as I claimed.

However you want to reinforce your victim stance, I don't care. I refuse to dwell anymore. It has been 2 years of stress and sometimes agony. Even you said, "If I am such an asshole, then why do you stay with me?" My typical reply, "I don't know!!" Well, what can I say now, except I've finally learned. After all the holidays you've ruined with your mouth - with your attention starved-starting-crap-for-no-reason-bullshit - I've decided to employ my "life is way to short to stay with assholes" clause.

Passion can only carry you so far. And love should not replace self-respect. I will always love you - but the intensity of that love at the expense of my happiness is no longer there. The well is dry. I need a refill, and I'm that is what I am pursuing. It doesn't have to come from a person. It will come from finding and doing things that make me happy. And the sacrifice, when it comes, will not be unwarranted.

So, on another note, I haven't slept with the shirt for almost a week. I still think of you all the time, but now, the thoughts are fleeting. I don't dwell. Almost in tears a few times, but so much less than before. I only lament what could have been based on the few, tiny elements of the relationship that resembled my life's dream. I don't lament the things that were - because the good was enveloped by the bad. A harsh reality to face.

And now, I swear I will never ever ever be with anyone that will ever deny or betray me like you had, and especially that you did it so early on - when you could not have possibly known enough about me to have justified it even in a TWISTED mind like your own. You did it because you are evil. Poison, like Grandma said. I will never again be with someone who only thinks of himself. And I don't want someone who needs to change his core to be my love. I want someone who is passionately in love with me and us and would do anything for to ensure our happiness and well-being. Because that is how I love. It is how I loved you...but I was the only one.

conflicted hope

Sometimes I miss you. I feel guilty it is not all the time. Then I wonder if maybe I really do, but it's too hard, so I suppress it. Wouldn't be surprised.

Everyone sees an improvement - even I. More productive, focused, driven. Genuine - I can even think of others again. Yet, I wonder if they also see the emptiness - or maybe the emptiness was present when you were there, too - nothing extraordinary to notice...

It's amazing how much less stress I have throughout the day - even the night. Night only brings thought and contemplation, but the conscious fear is gone. Sometimes I even dream. Moving on, making plans...or being chased by dead people, awoken by my own screams...depends on the day. The pattern too erratic to note any particular progress.

Each day I check to see if you've denied us yet. I know that day will come, but for now you still throw minute morsels - deniable threads of connections, newly formed - newly requested. You're still alive - neither happy nor sad. You think of me (as I you). You mention me, ill words of course - but words nonetheless.

I half pretend it doesn't affect me, still it's the shirt that keeps me company each night. Only allowing it representation of good - my justification for not washing and putting it back in the drawer. Not ready to not have your back to me while we sleep, the occasional cuddle, or kiss, but at least the almost unfailing good night wish. Whatever I could get back then, whatever I can get right now...can't say which is better or worse. Am I feeling nothing, anything, or am I purposely numb? Hard to say.

Yesterday, the strength was drained. I wept for a second...Too many questions of what happened or is going on. Some concerned, others innocent. All of them real. Too real. Yet again, I must face who you are, not who you claimed to be and I feel defeat.

Longing for someone whom of me would be proud - defend my honor in right or in wrong. Like I do you, despite yourself.....he'll come, but he won't be you. Sad omission. Too real for me right now.

Wishing for hell to freeze over would mean selling my soul. Promises to myself, an attempt at faith. I will meet him, and we will love - soul in tact. He will love me for my triumphs, my mistakes, my dreams, and intentions, but most of all for my heart. This he will strive each day to know better - and the more he knows, the more he loves. Where are you?

everything is relative when you're eating cake

Back and forth, till I "crossed that line" - gave up on you "coming around", coming out of denial...I cut you off in a harsh, but gentle way. You'll never see the compassion in my heart. I'll never see the truth in yours.

A few days past of contemplating, I have chosen my path. I ask you once more to get help, you claim you are/will. Who knows.

You heard some horrible news today. Although not your personal issue, knew it would affect. Wished I could be there for you. The choice was yours.

Went out, had the most fun I've had in months. Fancy free, despite you on my mind. Everything is relative to you some how. For now.

Washed the sheets after your last visit. Your scent erased...but the shirt you wore, I'm glad you slept hard. It will smell of you for months. I wear it now, breathing it in - eliciting tears. Potential reality - not ready to deal.

I'll sleep for 4 hours before I awake. Wish for it all, to eat and have my cake.

quick contemplation

No matter how many "good days" or "bad moments" we have, I search for a foundation on which to build and sometimes rebuild, but find nothing worthy of that title.

Only God, His Promises, His Word, His Love would be solid....yet even the knowledge of these things, we don't share.

What am I doing?

a New Year promises the return of Hope

Wanting to write more, but not finding privacy anywhere but in my head...Can't keep track of all the thoughts through the progression of the past two days. Seeing you, almost a stranger - but not stranger enough to forget what causes the tug of war in my mind. We dance the tide, switching roles often. I pull you in, you pull away - you invited me to go, but would barely brush against me most of the night, unless for show. Have good news; be happier or at least happy as the rest. Obligation was my saviour - I got the New Year kiss...although very one sided. Only I know forgiveness, seemingly, in that moment - to my own demise. You were tired, things were loud. Your ears hurt, you lay your head against me, my arm and chest insulation from the raucous. I got to caress and kiss your head, remember, I'm still here - uncomfortable, but fighting.

Investing in your love economy, I see little gain. You go home, I get no call to assure safety and worry in shame. Why should I care? He drove away...wanted the day alone. Medicine for us both. All day it continues, but mostly ebb and no flow. Disrupting gravity - smothering our roots...Tonight, after my day of purging (read, cleaning like a mad woman) and selfishness (read, surrounding myself with my 4 favorite girlies), and your day of recuperating (read, sleeping off a crappy cold and shutting out everyone but your dad), I swallow my pride, face my fears, let down my shields and call again. "Are you not wanting to talk to me anymore, or what?" No, you had just "crashed". We exchange niceties, it's late - both with things to do, we choose to migrate to the multi-task friendly, more private, less vulnerable realm of chat.

You mention a movie, I check it the reviews - starts a conversation about dreams and reality not working out - it hits home. Don't want to reinforce the fear in favor of faith...Reminds me to tell you about some self-discovery I've been focused on - how sometimes the fear grows much bigger than the faith, and I feel I can't fight the fear alone. My faith loses strength until I stop focusing on the fear long enough to feed the faith again.

Each time I face this, there's this temporary strength. "Be independent and believe in yourself." I can be happy - I have family, and "family" - I'm not alone. People love me and wish me well - kick my butt when I need it - pick me up after I've shunned their advice. Respecting my authenticity.

With their unconditional support - and that shunned, but not forgotten advice, I have been able to realize a lot about myself. Like for instance that I forgive so easily that I don't force myself or anyone else to face reality. I shut down my emotions so I don't have to face them. In fact, I am so uncomfortable facing them that I stifle them and then eventually they explode....well all my emotions except for love. The most explosive ones being fear, grief, anger...I overcompensate for the stifilation (add that to your dictionary) of them by giving away my love so easily, like a free-flowing fountain of healing to anyone that holds out their hand - but more importantly for myself. It is the only thing that makes me feel better - and distracts me from the other emotions I keep feeling so strongly but don't want to deal with.

Now comes the contradiction: so I give this magic stuff away like it's nothing - like it'll never run out, and I'll never get tired of distributing it...but I hurt - and tremendously is an understatement here - when it is taken for granted and/or not returned. This is my recognized failure of a human trying her dandiest to carry out part of one Divine instruction - while forgetting the rest and several others. It is the struggle to prioritize specifics of Spiritual law - and apply them to an incomplete context...like planting seeds on untilled soil and expecting an earthly harvest without faith for supplemental provision of manna.

This is evident as being independent, although a big part of me, is not happy. Happy is giving. Happy is loving. Happy is realizing dreams. Happy is working together to become more and better. Happy is investing with only faith and hope, not for gain, but for peace and harmony that result only when my life is in line with Divine instruction. Happy can not be always, but usually is enough for me. When the resulting gaps are filled with Love (Agape) and love (philia), I can survive anything.

But the faith - eluding me, eluding us - is something for which we need a path/some unbiased guidance... because that faith is something at least I, have been so quick to abandon for fear. (and I assume you too, or a variation of the sort, based on your actions/reactions and recounted feelings about them) We are so afraid of losing each other’s love that we go to desperate lengths to hold on to it in any way we possibly can. There are better ways to handle this, but in our individual efforts to change, we are not finding any sense of security that we'll end up ok. So we go to extremes...and we break each other’s hearts.

Add to that our fear of disappointing the other. We are so concerned of failing in choosing each other, having been destroyed in our previous commitments. So we have unrealistically high standards that we are never entirely satisfied with each other and change all the time depending on how strong the fear and especially the reinforcement of the fear. So we are striving to hit a moving target and each failure to do so adds to the fear of the other and decreases the odds that it will ever happen. Then when the other is disappointed in us, we are devastated because we are working so hard and that is either not recognized, or our own sense of defeat dominates and we begin to resent each other. We try so hard to secure our future that we try ourselves right out of any possibility of realizing it.

I don't know the solution, and nothing either of us tries has been the end all be all...we both agree.

We discuss the past few weeks at length and in excruciating detail that somehow proves to be therapeutic. I made sure you knew you were being heard and made sure you understood where I was coming from. Both of us more than willing to concede toward the end. To prioritize healing and undoing damage. My heart believes you. I can feel that unique love we have again - faith is fed, hope returns...

I await tomorrow, for a tactile reinforcement. We're doing an "us" thing...not giving up.