a busy day for us both...apart

I want to text you again, but i can't. So "Good morning, baby. I hope you're up and feeling better. Your black twill pants, striped shirt and new black sweater, driving mocs and DG would look best. Spiff it up, and on your way. Drive safe. Should take a smidge more than an hour." You'll be on the road soon. Then I'd send another, "Remember, I love you and believe in you. You'll do great. This is another beginning of good things for us. You make me proud...Can't wait to hear all about it when you get home tonight. I'll have dinner waiting. Check in at lunch if you can. xoxo" I check out of my fantasy. I have to face the shower - my ultimate think tank. Hope I survive without becoming a mess. Wish you had me on your wrist. But will put it in the safe and keep it as long as there is hope in my heart.

**You call me. Of course, I answer. Asked why I would go to your father for help, tell him things you wanted to be kept between us. I explain you left me with no other choice...you need help and pleaded with you to stop denying the facts. You ask why I would tell them the things you said about Christmas. Because they deserve to know and your dad needs to realize how you lash out at the ones that love you most - that its not just me; and that you continue to lie. Maybe you will listen to him and he will hold your feet to the fire. You still "don't understand" and you still deny any responsibility that you are disrespectful.**

They try to convince me to give up. It's not worth the investment, you'll never change. Still I defend and believe in you, knowing they could be right. Like they were the last time(s). I will stand by you and fight your demons with you, as long as you are fighting too.

You were the last to put garbage in my trash, the tissue before this was pulled by you. Bottom drawer, off limits. There's pain in there...

I won today, no ticket for me. Can't share the good news. You called your dad. So happy for you. An office, with a door. Makes me smile. I can't hate you like they tell me to. I chose you , I want your success, not rock bottom. Running to a town near you. Have an errand down the street. Want to meet up but my dignity insists not...no status update for you. No reply for me. A mix of emotion, first the air of relief, now on the verge of tears. Past the Jewish deli with the huge sandwich, the Europeans, and the pet lady. Were remaking memories that day...to torture ourselves with later.

Reassure myself I'll survive. Know it's true, but the interim reality I can't see beyond. Sooooo tired, want to sleep for a month.

Watching them get their marriage license. I take care of my business at the courthouse.

Had given up plans to be able to be there when you got home. Defended it to your sister when she asked. Knew how important it would be for you to tell me about your first day. Now, I even consider dinner with a friend, who I also turned down for us. Won't get me anything. I wouldn't be there even if I went. Got a repeat invite, but my heart hurts tonight. So no.

Cursing Christmas lights and comic con. What was I thinking? Will you forget about me? Begging for a distraction so I can forget you...don't want to be the fool. Neither do you. Why do we even fight? Do you even love me? Can you ever love someone more than yourself?

the first sunday

I would have given anything but my self respect to have come back and climbed in bed to just hold you. Breaks my heart to not. To reach out to the only one left who can, if not to save us, at least save you - knowing the pain it will cause, but completely necessary - and out of desperation, I do. As the moment draws near, I hurt as I anticipate its progression, a nervous wreck, stomach flips its way up to my closed throat...fear of you. Fear of no you.

Recalling the message at church, depicting my ideal life, vows to my spouse, lessons we would teach our kids...all with you. Turning left on 47 instead of right...longing for a detour. Drove past the white church; john mayer...was with you. You're everywhere along this route. Having to face Grandma's fate made undeniably real in stone...without you. The last visit, a bantering folly - but still, you were there. Addressing Grandpa's inquiry for two, as only one. Nothing's wrong. But it is.

Wanting to let you go and embrace peace - but inside, just as much turmoil. Rejecting a destiny of discontentment, I wonder why we aren't worth your pride.

It's not supposed to be like this.

I refuse to become numb.

I text you good luck. No reply, but that's expected. I sleep next to pillows I refuse to smell...until this morning as I make the bed. I sneak in a puff like stealing a cigarette without getting caught. My new toothbrush, the toothpaste you 'stole', your towel went to the laundry - I now regret it. Cetaphil. I'll leave your things, hoping you'll come back to me. Hoping you'll keep your promise and soften your heart. I prayed that for you so many times yesterday and today. I love you so...Still promise to see us through if you'll see the right path and choose it. So tired.

love economy

What's a promise worth in your struggling love economy? Is it devalued currency, because in mine, it's gold, worth even more when everything else is down. Can't buy a thing but trade for a pile of increasingly worthless paper, the smart cherish it for the security it provides, refusing to sell or trade. Clinging to it as if their human existence depends on it. The only constant commodity - Universally recognized...