a busy day for us both...apart

I want to text you again, but i can't. So "Good morning, baby. I hope you're up and feeling better. Your black twill pants, striped shirt and new black sweater, driving mocs and DG would look best. Spiff it up, and on your way. Drive safe. Should take a smidge more than an hour." You'll be on the road soon. Then I'd send another, "Remember, I love you and believe in you. You'll do great. This is another beginning of good things for us. You make me proud...Can't wait to hear all about it when you get home tonight. I'll have dinner waiting. Check in at lunch if you can. xoxo" I check out of my fantasy. I have to face the shower - my ultimate think tank. Hope I survive without becoming a mess. Wish you had me on your wrist. But will put it in the safe and keep it as long as there is hope in my heart.

**You call me. Of course, I answer. Asked why I would go to your father for help, tell him things you wanted to be kept between us. I explain you left me with no other choice...you need help and pleaded with you to stop denying the facts. You ask why I would tell them the things you said about Christmas. Because they deserve to know and your dad needs to realize how you lash out at the ones that love you most - that its not just me; and that you continue to lie. Maybe you will listen to him and he will hold your feet to the fire. You still "don't understand" and you still deny any responsibility that you are disrespectful.**

They try to convince me to give up. It's not worth the investment, you'll never change. Still I defend and believe in you, knowing they could be right. Like they were the last time(s). I will stand by you and fight your demons with you, as long as you are fighting too.

You were the last to put garbage in my trash, the tissue before this was pulled by you. Bottom drawer, off limits. There's pain in there...

I won today, no ticket for me. Can't share the good news. You called your dad. So happy for you. An office, with a door. Makes me smile. I can't hate you like they tell me to. I chose you , I want your success, not rock bottom. Running to a town near you. Have an errand down the street. Want to meet up but my dignity insists not...no status update for you. No reply for me. A mix of emotion, first the air of relief, now on the verge of tears. Past the Jewish deli with the huge sandwich, the Europeans, and the pet lady. Were remaking memories that day...to torture ourselves with later.

Reassure myself I'll survive. Know it's true, but the interim reality I can't see beyond. Sooooo tired, want to sleep for a month.

Watching them get their marriage license. I take care of my business at the courthouse.

Had given up plans to be able to be there when you got home. Defended it to your sister when she asked. Knew how important it would be for you to tell me about your first day. Now, I even consider dinner with a friend, who I also turned down for us. Won't get me anything. I wouldn't be there even if I went. Got a repeat invite, but my heart hurts tonight. So no.

Cursing Christmas lights and comic con. What was I thinking? Will you forget about me? Begging for a distraction so I can forget you...don't want to be the fool. Neither do you. Why do we even fight? Do you even love me? Can you ever love someone more than yourself?

the first sunday

I would have given anything but my self respect to have come back and climbed in bed to just hold you. Breaks my heart to not. To reach out to the only one left who can, if not to save us, at least save you - knowing the pain it will cause, but completely necessary - and out of desperation, I do. As the moment draws near, I hurt as I anticipate its progression, a nervous wreck, stomach flips its way up to my closed throat...fear of you. Fear of no you.

Recalling the message at church, depicting my ideal life, vows to my spouse, lessons we would teach our kids...all with you. Turning left on 47 instead of right...longing for a detour. Drove past the white church; john mayer...was with you. You're everywhere along this route. Having to face Grandma's fate made undeniably real in stone...without you. The last visit, a bantering folly - but still, you were there. Addressing Grandpa's inquiry for two, as only one. Nothing's wrong. But it is.

Wanting to let you go and embrace peace - but inside, just as much turmoil. Rejecting a destiny of discontentment, I wonder why we aren't worth your pride.

It's not supposed to be like this.

I refuse to become numb.

I text you good luck. No reply, but that's expected. I sleep next to pillows I refuse to smell...until this morning as I make the bed. I sneak in a puff like stealing a cigarette without getting caught. My new toothbrush, the toothpaste you 'stole', your towel went to the laundry - I now regret it. Cetaphil. I'll leave your things, hoping you'll come back to me. Hoping you'll keep your promise and soften your heart. I prayed that for you so many times yesterday and today. I love you so...Still promise to see us through if you'll see the right path and choose it. So tired.

love economy

What's a promise worth in your struggling love economy? Is it devalued currency, because in mine, it's gold, worth even more when everything else is down. Can't buy a thing but trade for a pile of increasingly worthless paper, the smart cherish it for the security it provides, refusing to sell or trade. Clinging to it as if their human existence depends on it. The only constant commodity - Universally recognized...

relationship optimism in a crunch

I love you for being.
I love you for evolving.
I love you for wanting to protect & comfort~even when you don't know how.
I love you for your desire & your touch.
I love you for caring.
I love you for being conflicted & still choosing.
I love you for waking next to me each morning.
I love you for not knowing all the answers, but being curious instead.
I love that you indulge and don't judge me for the same ~ even when it's odd.
I love that you're driven even if it's to spend the day doing nothing.
I love that you provide and let me do the same.
I love that you cook for me.
I love that we have our little "things" we've done or that we laugh about.
I love how you eat crunchy stuff...it's cute.
I love that you just know.
I love that you appreciate who I am.
I love when you notice little details about me that show you're starting to really understand...
I love that you respect nature and things with fur.
I love when you can feel what I need and just do it.
I love when you remind me of things I almost forgot to do but must...
I love that you love my meatloaf.
I love your intelligence and your intuition. Your heart.
I love that you sleep through my kisses and cuddles but sometimes moan cause you like my touch.
I love that you're not as threatened by my sister.
I love that you're beginning to see through to the deeper depths of my heart.
I love that I look forward to seeing you each time.
I love that you bring me peace in turmoil.
I love your strength when I need it and your humility at times.
I love that you stand by the decisions you made and are learning to be more aware of how they affect us.
I love that you're grounded but still adventurous.
I love that holding your hand feels so right.
I love you hold on and that you also let go...
I love to make you proud.
I love that you're always paying attention to little things.
I love that you're not always what you seem.
I love that you stand up for us and believe in us.
I love when you breathe me in when I'm there and even after I've left.
I love that you support the things I'm passionate about ~even when you don't understand it or agree...
I love that we are a team.
I love that you will be a great father and raise strong, responsible, kids.
I love that you're learning that sometimes all I need is a hug~not a solution.
Your hugs fix so much. You are my light.