Out of the blue…book that is...9/14/06

In my life, there have been no shortages of challenges...I tend to welcome them, actually ~ although I claim I'm searching for peace and harmony in my life... Go figure. Anyway, this one, I didn't ask for ~ I didn't seek it out. A hand dealt to me ~ either at conception or per karma... I've tried to play these cards, tried to fold 'em too, but no matter how many rounds I play, the exact same cards come back to me! So, I can either get frustrated and upset about it & get nowhere but frustrated and upset ~ or I can learn to pick a strategic approach to work the next round in my favor. Based on my track record, the second is more likely... The issues here is constraint of the rules of reality. Reality is my friend ~ Reality is the ultimate truth, and truth is my friend.

Out of the blue…book that is...9/9/06

Why are some people so much more content than others, while others insist on resisting happiness even when it pounds on their door? I don't ask this question because I am looking for the answer ~ I am well aware of the possible causes and/or influences. I'm simply sending a message "upstairs". (to my own brain)

***incomplete thought, because I fell asleep during this entry***

About the "Blue Book"

FORWARD: Throughout the second half of my life, I have always kept journals. I believe that they can be a wonderful outlet for happiness, for stress, for things that you can not speak out loud - maybe because you don't have the guts, you don't want to hurt someone, or maybe because you don't want to acknowledge reality....

I wrote so I would not forget. I used to, and sometimes still, repress things - but that's not the only reason I wanted to remember. I wanted to remember so I would learn from my past. Anyone who knows me, knows my philosophy on regrets...I have none...but the only way that is possible is to take my experiences and use them when making decisions in the present.

And I wanted to capture my emotions in the moment, or at least soon there after, whether they were good or bad - to be able to vividly recall them...On occasion, I used them for motivation for change. Other times, to remember and appreciate the blessings I have received in my lifetime.

Most of my previous books are full of some pretty funky stuff, some very sad, some very happy, some confused. Every emotion is captured. Mostly past relationship issues. Some family stuff too, often comtemplating the direction of my life.

I bought a pink one once. Swore I'd only write good things. It started out good. Then I didn't write much. Although it breaks a steadfast rule, blank pages remain - as if a chapter has been left out. One day, I will finish that chapter...when I am ready to revist that part of my life.

Then I found the next one...

The "Blue Book" is a journal of sorts, too. But this one is different. A beautiful soft, Italian leather bound, baby blue. My mom's favorite color...with a crested fleur on the cover. This one was going to be reserved. Reserved for "the one". I held out a good year before the first entry, and even that entry was first written in a separate notebook and later transcribed...I will type exactly as written.

Out of the blue…book that is...9/1/06

I know that we have been somewhat conditioned into thinking that we need love - this was an epiphany I had while my life was turning upside down in 2004. And I realize that it is not truly a necessity for sustaining life on this earth…However, I am also one who intends to be aware of my heart's desire and will likely "live life to the fullest" no matter what place I'm in at a given time. But, sometimes those desires conflict. And sometimes, my logic interferes in a defensive strike and overrules, or dare I say, silences those desires. So often times, I attempt to reason through it all and synchronize the two of them. The past few weeks, I have been trying to figure out whether the space previously reserved for a husband or potential husband could adequately be filled by other interests or causes. I have a massive amount of compassion for all people and especially those in desperate need because of situations they can not control. Would expending that pent up energy, excitement, passion, etc. on that cause be enough to suffice? And if not, should I even be looking for that person in the meantime, or could pursuing that cause keep me satisfied and fulfilled until he comes around? And if he never does, will the void have a negative impact on my life or longevity? And when I am in my final days, will I finally have something to regret?