place of hope

Incredible. It's been a long time of avoiding entering anything in "the book". Thoughts are scattered among websites and loose papers here and there...The desire to write has met the same constraint of time as sleep and self-nurturing, but as with those, although not as high of priority, when the need becomes strong enough ~ the element of choice narrows.

Today or this weekend, especially, the urge is great. Greatness is in abundance and should be captured for posterity sake. The one with whom I struggle the most in determining if it is possible to "have it all" has returned. (see entries in May/June 2006) Unnamed at the time, because the time was not right ~ now I feel compelled and even guilty that from the moment I began to really admit and accept the realization of his "amazingness" I did not begin to document it. Time has been limited. Challenges plenty. My heart ~ again shredded by a predecessor and yet another death (this time my Grandmother, whom I love the most in this world), is being restored to a place of hope.

Possibilities that had faded to only a flicker are raging and a level of support with that strong independence I crave, is falling into place as its learned. The edification of my physical and spiritual existence has finally begun in conjunction with a partner and although his is not yet the leader I require to head my household, he will get there ~ I have faith. I, too, am changing in ways I have desired to change for my entire life. Priorities and motivation are shifting as my hope is renewed.

Out of a statement of faith, I say he is the one. A bit more manifestation and personal challenges overcome are what's holding me back. All the elements are present as I lie on the bed in Door County, a place that will forever be known to me as a place of restoration. A place of peace. A place of happiness and, yes, of hope. We leave here later today, with a clear goal...and a smile on our faces. (something I haven't had from a vacation with a partner in a very long time) I hope to leave my past at the bottom of this lake like a cemetery or mass grave, for closure.

I have confidence he will be capable ~ and where he is not, I will be ~ but this is what relationships are. Not passing blame or requests. Complementing and encouraging. And that is us.