getting over it...whatever that means

So you tried to call me this week twice...not 2 calls, two instances. 22 calls in total. Around midnight each night. I was sick. Trying to sleep. Did not need to make myself more sick by having the slightest thought of you...no luck. Then you tell your sister it was "the guys missing with me". Whatever.

I need to move on - you don't need to know about me anymore. So, I delete you, you freak out. Call 9 am the next morning to your step-mom...accuse them of talking to me - filling me in on your bad mouthing...You're "totally over me", so what do you care? So over me that you didn't even remember today is your dad's birthday. (my God what was I thinking)

Later in the day, they invite you to your sister's. You won't go. You're mad at the world. Blaming everything on your job being the most difficult job you've ever had...but a few days ago, everything was all sunshine there. Why do I even concern myself with such things?

Do I ever really get over anyone? I'm not exactly sure what that means. "get over". Don't think about? Then no. Don't compare to the next one? Then for sure, no. Don't ever want to see again, ever? Maybe. Don't allow to taint my thoughts and perspectives on how I feel or think about things since them... Definitely not. Not getting that tinge of jealousy when I think/hear about you moving on. Sure - that I can do, but it takes a while for that one.

I guess, what I consider getting over someone is the willingness to move on to a new relationship - to live life again - even if that relationship is with myself and doing the things I love instead of sitting home and dwelling on what I could've done differently. But, I can't honestly expect my super-analytical brain to not revisit him/the past EVER. It's just not how I work... It's how I grieve.

Sometimes I wish for a lobotomy - cause it would be less painful than facing some of the things I've gone through. But those thoughts are fleeting. I really am so happy right now on many fronts. But still I have that void and every glance is evaluated for potential. Every advance is categorized.

so what if my picture is still on your refrigerator

So tired, and not really sleeping these days. You don't get credit for this. Just a general excitement, followed by an uneasiness...it's an unfamiliar life, this freedom.

People don't understand, I don't want to hear about you. I don't care that it is finally hitting you - now your mouth spews sugar where there was once bitterness. For my own gratification? I gave up on gratification the day I chose not to regret a moment, embrace hope, and pass Go, without collecting $200. It was your get out of jail free card, but you only get one. Dry your tears. Now your prison is your own mind.

Against everything I learned about love - and adoration - and unconditional loyalty, I exist here. Now. There are no more cheeks to turn. I stick with the decision and must disown the propensity to justify my stance. All is not lost...I've seen a ray of hope - proving he exists, somewhere - not just in dreams.

In this life, or the next, or never...I will not settle.