Out of the blue...book that is...3/22/07

Sitting up, tired, but wide awake in Houston at 2:53am... Pondering the possibilities of life, as usual. Why am I not one to make demands? Why am I one to be gracious with what I'm handed, to be content with everyone else being comfortable and satisfied with a situation when it's not what I want ~ not what will ultimately make me happy? Even when that option is clearly mine with little or not potential repercussions...I still choose to make others happy first.

I know compassion has been ingrained in me since youth, but is a life of sacrifice really what it's cracked up to be? Why does it feel so incredibly satisfying? Is this my calling? And to where would I be called if that was the case? Would it be enough to accept that those in my path are the ones ~ to passively allow them to be my subjects? Should I not go where I feel most compelled? But there are so many places? How can I, as one, reach enough? What is enough? When will I feel satisfied I have reached that level? And will I be expected to take breaks and tend to my own life? I don't see how that's devotion or dedication unless it's the only way to ensure I'm able to give my all.

When do I pursue, if that's what I should do? If I feel led to go, should I not gather tools & prepare as I already am? Or is that a waste of time? And if it's not a waste, then why do I constantly question if I'm doing the right things? Are the warnings from those crossing my path to be heeded or ignored? I don't want to insist on my own way. I don't want to make people concerned about my needs. I won't compromise morals, but still I will remain true to what fits ~ what rings true ~ authentic self.

So now, if I sleep ~ what should I dream? Of the life I feel compelled to live, or the life I would give up? Babies, families, husbands, all not my own? Maybe those I help instead? Can I have both? Will I find one to share my dream? One to love me despite a distant focus on taking care of my own needs ~ yet still be willing to take care of me when I've run out of steam? And maybe babies to teach to embrace compassion as well...

Out of the blue...book that is...3/16/07

Funny how thoughts keep getting interrupted lately. I think, the previous entry was supposed to address the highs & lows of love. Nevermind, though, for now. I'll come full circle again later, I'm sure. So tonight, there are several things on my "mile-high" mind. On my way back from Anaheim ~ a few days, I've been away. There is a peace I feel ~ and have been feeling lately ~ about life. I'm not so worried about the pieces falling into place. Somehow I know they will...In my personal life, I'm slowly learning to let go a little bit.

It's not quite as painful as I thought it would be ~ relinquishing control of something I've been gripping so tightly. Once the initial stiffness wears off, it's actually a relief & quite pleasant. At work, I realized today, I'm not as eager to apply this new found realization. My new job is about 2 months in & you'd think I was doing it for years. Plus there are so many codependances that get quite overwhelming at times. So many people in positions where change is critical yet they are oblivious ~ or if not, overwhelmed, too! But I need them. They will have a great impact on the success of my projects.

So, I take on the role of captain ~ even if it's jeopardizing other commitments ~ I guess I'm hoping to inspire & organize so the troops aren't so overwhelmed. I don't know if this is right or wrong. I just know it has the potential of making my job a lot less fun. Is it a trade off for success, though? Maybe a short term investment of sorts? Will I survive long enough to see the lasting effects or am I going to burnout before I ever get that far? I'm happy to be home, although I have some serious stuff to do before I head out again on Tuesday for Houston.

Somehow Monday and now seem a ways apart. I guess that's just one significance of what's inbetween. Love, family, sleep, laundry...my home that I love. My car, my town, my happiness. Oh, and a green river. That'll be fun. So until then, I'm tired.