Out of the blue...book that is...6/19/07-6/21/07

What do I want? In life, in love ~ I suppose I've always been one to adapt to circumstance, learn to embrace it as my own and run with it, so I guess some soul searching is in order. Being flexible, I thought suited me well, but here I am ~ pushing the first third of my life, and I am alone. Not in the most literal sense…well actually, I'm sitting in the Toronto baggage claim with everyone that works here mentioning how bored I look…so alone it is.

More importantly, I've only recently begun this portion of my life and I've started nearly from scratch. I don't really have remnants of friends that I grew up with other than those that I've recently exchanged a few electronic sentiments with. Part of me likes it this way, but only because of the circumstances that determined my departure almost 12 years ago. I have no issues with the decisions I made back then - they are what they are ~ I do wish I had more to show for them, but I'm happy with who I've become ~ generally speaking.

I can't say my desire to be further along in life is not a result of social pressure - although it has been something I've preferred to stray from. It's inevitably an undeniable force in the type and intensity of pressure I put on myself. It's beyond the basics of where I think I should be. The question is - looking through all of that, what is really in my heart and is that something I will recognize once I have. And if my heart's desire is a deviation from social expectation, will I allow it, or stifle it? I know I want my independence, my compassion, my intelligence and my humility to be maintained regardless of whether I am alone the rest of my life or if I'm with the most devoted husband and family. But I also want to be somewhat revered and most certainly respected.

I want someone who is on a similar path in life, who may not have the exact dream, but sees and understands mine. Someone who is so pleased by my happiness that they are driven to encourage me to succeed and will contribute to that in any way they can. I want to be so in love with that person that I'm doing the same - but I don't want the goals that we both share to conflict to the point that they aren't mutually pursuable. (is that a word? Lol) If I don't come across this I will continue on that quest alone, but something I really need to work on is convincing myself that the goals and dreams I have for myself and my life are priority above the goal of having someone to pursue them with. And if I make that the priority for myself it is more likely that when individuals come in and out of my life, I will be able to discern their true intentions and likeness, as my goal will remain constant and I will have a clear view of how/if they will fit in.

Novel concept, I know…Just not how my life has lead me to live to this point. I don't want to compromise my morals or ideals and often times I find myself close to that in my desire to be desirable. Really, this accomplishes nothing by way of strengthening the relationship or my faith in myself. These are ideals I wish had been instilled in my head by example or experience instead of having been raised to fit an expectation with little or no deviation. The concept of being myself is so foreign to me that I couldn't even act it in a play convincingly.

As much as I know I have the potential to be strong and independent, I have such a strong desire to be and have a companion in life. I want someone to be my ground - my roots - my home. I want to be able to gallivant around the world with or without him and know that it pains him to be away from me as much as it does me, but that it only drives the positive intensity of the relationship. I don't want someone who resents who I am or desire to become so that I know in my heart of hearts that he is and will always be my biggest supporter ~ especially when everyone else thinks I've lost all sanity. I want him to know the purity of my heart and I want to know his. I don't want to question his motives or whether or not he is satisfied with who I am or want to become. I don't want to carry him or be carried except for the rare exception, at which point, I would stop at nothing. I want to be the first thing on his mind when he wakes and I want him to tell me that. I want him to lose track of his thoughts when I catch his eye, and to always be enamored with me, even 20 years from now.

Knowing fully well these things don't come immediately, in the meantime, I'd like to just be able to laugh, or cry, but mostly, be my quirky, goofy self and maybe later, we'll have matching luggage.

Out of the blue...book that is...5/2/07

Something that has really been weighing on my mind is the question of whether or not a good relationship can be successul when love is mutual, but full understanding of eachother is not. Can someone really, truly, love you the way love must be to ensure success & happiness if they don't understand you or vice versa? If I feel like he doesn't know what drives me, he'll never be able to appreciate me for who I really am. And I feel like I am doing him a huge disservice if the reciprocal is true.

How can we defend, encourage, support, or even agree with our lives' directions, goals, and decisions if we don't really "get" what drives us. It's not for lack of communication or information. It truly is for lack of understanding and comprehension. I hear what he says, I try to see it from his perspective, but I have no comprehension of being able to see it the same way! And we're talking right and wrong. Things that make me feel good to do because I think it's the right thing to do, he'll come back and tell me how incredibly wrong they are in the most, "what the hell were you thinking?" way.

I end up feeling like crap. And I pretty much do the same thing to him. He really thinks he's got a situation handled and he's doing the respectable thing and I think he's lost his mind or making a big mistake or is a total jerk because of it. And now there's the whole back and forth of everything. I feel like I can barely consider a life without him when things are good. I really work hard to impress him so he can see how good my heart is and he thinks there's something loose in my brain. It's devastating!! And it's not because we're sick of eachother. It makes me cry to think of it.

And the way I get incredibly jealous of the thought of him with even an inkling of a possibility that he hold someone in higher esteem than me. And simultaneously it breaks my heart to think of hurting him - but how will I not hurt him if staying will keep him from being fufilled and leaving him would make it hurt to breathe? And how I would miss the things he does that allow me to feel how much he loves me even if he never even said it. And having the major contradiction to his gesture, his emotion, is my own self-doubt and my quandry that brought me here in the first place, to the book, that is.

I want to be his "leading lady" the one he always writes - the one he always thinks of no matter what idealistic thought of a potential role of his lover, wife, etc. And so when these things happen, when he disapproves, I feel horrible. And how do I give up the dreams I see in his eyes, in how he holds a baby... So because he is regularly doing things to touch my heart and it wins me over and I forget all of the things that I see as potential issues and then I question the validity of those concerns and push them aside.

I've identified this over and over and I still fall into the trap! Am I pursuing him or the dream? Is it because I see him as bits and pieces of reality that coincide with my dream and then fill in the holes with fantasies? And why do I think more of the moments when I don't ever want to be away from him instead of the moments when I wish I never met him, so I wouldn't have to be in the middle of all this mess - this mental torture. I can not be myself - he says I can, but I can not. It's too conflicting. My self tells me to do something that ends up being a total screw up and then my self tells me that's horrible because it isn't pleasing to him.

I'm living my life for him and he doesn't even get me. Doesn't understand me enough to realize that it's not about me being disrespectful or continuing to do something we previously discussed a million times because I refuse to change. And God forbid, I have an actual conviction on a subject he disagrees on, granted, I'm no angel in that department. We butt heads. We're both strong willed, defensive, and stubborn people. There's no graceful complementing of eachothers qualities or lack there of.

This is not a Yin-Yang situation. We're not going to "learn" ourselves out of this. But there's such a strong drive inside of me to not give up on him. I'm about to end my Miami trip, to land back in Chicago - in my Reality and then what? More fights? More realities to stitch together with my fantasy thread? Realization? Please? Something?

Out of the blue...book that is...3/22/07

Sitting up, tired, but wide awake in Houston at 2:53am... Pondering the possibilities of life, as usual. Why am I not one to make demands? Why am I one to be gracious with what I'm handed, to be content with everyone else being comfortable and satisfied with a situation when it's not what I want ~ not what will ultimately make me happy? Even when that option is clearly mine with little or not potential repercussions...I still choose to make others happy first.

I know compassion has been ingrained in me since youth, but is a life of sacrifice really what it's cracked up to be? Why does it feel so incredibly satisfying? Is this my calling? And to where would I be called if that was the case? Would it be enough to accept that those in my path are the ones ~ to passively allow them to be my subjects? Should I not go where I feel most compelled? But there are so many places? How can I, as one, reach enough? What is enough? When will I feel satisfied I have reached that level? And will I be expected to take breaks and tend to my own life? I don't see how that's devotion or dedication unless it's the only way to ensure I'm able to give my all.

When do I pursue, if that's what I should do? If I feel led to go, should I not gather tools & prepare as I already am? Or is that a waste of time? And if it's not a waste, then why do I constantly question if I'm doing the right things? Are the warnings from those crossing my path to be heeded or ignored? I don't want to insist on my own way. I don't want to make people concerned about my needs. I won't compromise morals, but still I will remain true to what fits ~ what rings true ~ authentic self.

So now, if I sleep ~ what should I dream? Of the life I feel compelled to live, or the life I would give up? Babies, families, husbands, all not my own? Maybe those I help instead? Can I have both? Will I find one to share my dream? One to love me despite a distant focus on taking care of my own needs ~ yet still be willing to take care of me when I've run out of steam? And maybe babies to teach to embrace compassion as well...

Out of the blue...book that is...3/16/07

Funny how thoughts keep getting interrupted lately. I think, the previous entry was supposed to address the highs & lows of love. Nevermind, though, for now. I'll come full circle again later, I'm sure. So tonight, there are several things on my "mile-high" mind. On my way back from Anaheim ~ a few days, I've been away. There is a peace I feel ~ and have been feeling lately ~ about life. I'm not so worried about the pieces falling into place. Somehow I know they will...In my personal life, I'm slowly learning to let go a little bit.

It's not quite as painful as I thought it would be ~ relinquishing control of something I've been gripping so tightly. Once the initial stiffness wears off, it's actually a relief & quite pleasant. At work, I realized today, I'm not as eager to apply this new found realization. My new job is about 2 months in & you'd think I was doing it for years. Plus there are so many codependances that get quite overwhelming at times. So many people in positions where change is critical yet they are oblivious ~ or if not, overwhelmed, too! But I need them. They will have a great impact on the success of my projects.

So, I take on the role of captain ~ even if it's jeopardizing other commitments ~ I guess I'm hoping to inspire & organize so the troops aren't so overwhelmed. I don't know if this is right or wrong. I just know it has the potential of making my job a lot less fun. Is it a trade off for success, though? Maybe a short term investment of sorts? Will I survive long enough to see the lasting effects or am I going to burnout before I ever get that far? I'm happy to be home, although I have some serious stuff to do before I head out again on Tuesday for Houston.

Somehow Monday and now seem a ways apart. I guess that's just one significance of what's inbetween. Love, family, sleep, laundry...my home that I love. My car, my town, my happiness. Oh, and a green river. That'll be fun. So until then, I'm tired.

Out of the blue...book that is...2/25/07

(an interrupted thought)

What is it about love that it only provides extremes ~ Okay that's an understatement. Just because those extremes are the lasting...