An abrupt change followed a year of exploration, of realization...not so abrupt after all. I flourish. Accusations of my ignorance of self are based on an irrelevant metric. What applies to one doesn't fit another. I've known who I am since I was young. What has changed is my reaction to circumstance. I flourish. Now relatively firm and confident, learning to let go and just live...be authentic and choose wisely...keys to coming into my own, becoming me. I flourish. Not worrying what others think, but not embracing those who disrespect. Shedding dead weight...what's left are few, but cherished. I flourish.
Finally in the sunlight, emancipated from serial voids. Having survived on the bitter, I cautiously sample the sweet. Consumption effects existence. Partaking accordingly. I flourish. Evil words, lost on me. Existing in truth, I pay them no mind. Unbeknowingly guided onto a new plane...I've discovered the obvious. Unaware, but certain. Interventions kept me safe, despite myself. Eternal education effectively aided by elective consciousness. What I've needed was here all along. In Him, I flourish.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
anticipation
(late post from 2/5/10)
Tasting a peace I've never known, restlessness subsides for the most part, a sweet assurance, 'all is well or soon will be', subconsciously invades moments of longing...an opposite complement, yet our priorities align. In the pursuit of Him, together, we find ourselves. For me it's more a reassurance, for him a new direction and confidence in his identity. His virtues, life exposes and extols. This is admiration, not infatuation...I embrace the momentary fear, as soon it morphs into anticipation. With bated breath, knowing my glowing moments of life will come.
Tasting a peace I've never known, restlessness subsides for the most part, a sweet assurance, 'all is well or soon will be', subconsciously invades moments of longing...an opposite complement, yet our priorities align. In the pursuit of Him, together, we find ourselves. For me it's more a reassurance, for him a new direction and confidence in his identity. His virtues, life exposes and extols. This is admiration, not infatuation...I embrace the momentary fear, as soon it morphs into anticipation. With bated breath, knowing my glowing moments of life will come.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
place of hope
Incredible. It's been a long time of avoiding entering anything in "the book". Thoughts are scattered among websites and loose papers here and there...The desire to write has met the same constraint of time as sleep and self-nurturing, but as with those, although not as high of priority, when the need becomes strong enough ~ the element of choice narrows.
Today or this weekend, especially, the urge is great. Greatness is in abundance and should be captured for posterity sake. The one with whom I struggle the most in determining if it is possible to "have it all" has returned. (see entries in May/June 2006) Unnamed at the time, because the time was not right ~ now I feel compelled and even guilty that from the moment I began to really admit and accept the realization of his "amazingness" I did not begin to document it. Time has been limited. Challenges plenty. My heart ~ again shredded by a predecessor and yet another death (this time my Grandmother, whom I love the most in this world), is being restored to a place of hope.
Possibilities that had faded to only a flicker are raging and a level of support with that strong independence I crave, is falling into place as its learned. The edification of my physical and spiritual existence has finally begun in conjunction with a partner and although his is not yet the leader I require to head my household, he will get there ~ I have faith. I, too, am changing in ways I have desired to change for my entire life. Priorities and motivation are shifting as my hope is renewed.
Out of a statement of faith, I say he is the one. A bit more manifestation and personal challenges overcome are what's holding me back. All the elements are present as I lie on the bed in Door County, a place that will forever be known to me as a place of restoration. A place of peace. A place of happiness and, yes, of hope. We leave here later today, with a clear goal...and a smile on our faces. (something I haven't had from a vacation with a partner in a very long time) I hope to leave my past at the bottom of this lake like a cemetery or mass grave, for closure.
I have confidence he will be capable ~ and where he is not, I will be ~ but this is what relationships are. Not passing blame or requests. Complementing and encouraging. And that is us.
Today or this weekend, especially, the urge is great. Greatness is in abundance and should be captured for posterity sake. The one with whom I struggle the most in determining if it is possible to "have it all" has returned. (see entries in May/June 2006) Unnamed at the time, because the time was not right ~ now I feel compelled and even guilty that from the moment I began to really admit and accept the realization of his "amazingness" I did not begin to document it. Time has been limited. Challenges plenty. My heart ~ again shredded by a predecessor and yet another death (this time my Grandmother, whom I love the most in this world), is being restored to a place of hope.
Possibilities that had faded to only a flicker are raging and a level of support with that strong independence I crave, is falling into place as its learned. The edification of my physical and spiritual existence has finally begun in conjunction with a partner and although his is not yet the leader I require to head my household, he will get there ~ I have faith. I, too, am changing in ways I have desired to change for my entire life. Priorities and motivation are shifting as my hope is renewed.
Out of a statement of faith, I say he is the one. A bit more manifestation and personal challenges overcome are what's holding me back. All the elements are present as I lie on the bed in Door County, a place that will forever be known to me as a place of restoration. A place of peace. A place of happiness and, yes, of hope. We leave here later today, with a clear goal...and a smile on our faces. (something I haven't had from a vacation with a partner in a very long time) I hope to leave my past at the bottom of this lake like a cemetery or mass grave, for closure.
I have confidence he will be capable ~ and where he is not, I will be ~ but this is what relationships are. Not passing blame or requests. Complementing and encouraging. And that is us.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
cause for pause
So they've warned me how unlikely it is that I will ever find that perfect one...that never disappoints, anticipates my thoughts, how to bring me happiness in my moments of despair, makes me his priority despite his fears - I am close, but still, something's missing.
He says he loves me - more than I know - but I don't feel it. He even gave me specifics on why, but I don't feel it. A week ago, I wanted to announce a lifelong commitment - I was that sure - but now, I feel like an afterthought. Is it a hypersensitivity? A defense mechanism? A fear that history will repeat itself? Or a gross insecurity rearing its ugly head again, ready to undermine that which makes me the most happy....
He says he loves me - more than I know - but I don't feel it. He even gave me specifics on why, but I don't feel it. A week ago, I wanted to announce a lifelong commitment - I was that sure - but now, I feel like an afterthought. Is it a hypersensitivity? A defense mechanism? A fear that history will repeat itself? Or a gross insecurity rearing its ugly head again, ready to undermine that which makes me the most happy....
Saturday, February 7, 2009
getting over it...whatever that means
So you tried to call me this week twice...not 2 calls, two instances. 22 calls in total. Around midnight each night. I was sick. Trying to sleep. Did not need to make myself more sick by having the slightest thought of you...no luck. Then you tell your sister it was "the guys missing with me". Whatever.
I need to move on - you don't need to know about me anymore. So, I delete you, you freak out. Call 9 am the next morning to your step-mom...accuse them of talking to me - filling me in on your bad mouthing...You're "totally over me", so what do you care? So over me that you didn't even remember today is your dad's birthday. (my God what was I thinking)
Later in the day, they invite you to your sister's. You won't go. You're mad at the world. Blaming everything on your job being the most difficult job you've ever had...but a few days ago, everything was all sunshine there. Why do I even concern myself with such things?
Do I ever really get over anyone? I'm not exactly sure what that means. "get over". Don't think about? Then no. Don't compare to the next one? Then for sure, no. Don't ever want to see again, ever? Maybe. Don't allow to taint my thoughts and perspectives on how I feel or think about things since them... Definitely not. Not getting that tinge of jealousy when I think/hear about you moving on. Sure - that I can do, but it takes a while for that one.
I guess, what I consider getting over someone is the willingness to move on to a new relationship - to live life again - even if that relationship is with myself and doing the things I love instead of sitting home and dwelling on what I could've done differently. But, I can't honestly expect my super-analytical brain to not revisit him/the past EVER. It's just not how I work... It's how I grieve.
Sometimes I wish for a lobotomy - cause it would be less painful than facing some of the things I've gone through. But those thoughts are fleeting. I really am so happy right now on many fronts. But still I have that void and every glance is evaluated for potential. Every advance is categorized.
I need to move on - you don't need to know about me anymore. So, I delete you, you freak out. Call 9 am the next morning to your step-mom...accuse them of talking to me - filling me in on your bad mouthing...You're "totally over me", so what do you care? So over me that you didn't even remember today is your dad's birthday. (my God what was I thinking)
Later in the day, they invite you to your sister's. You won't go. You're mad at the world. Blaming everything on your job being the most difficult job you've ever had...but a few days ago, everything was all sunshine there. Why do I even concern myself with such things?
Do I ever really get over anyone? I'm not exactly sure what that means. "get over". Don't think about? Then no. Don't compare to the next one? Then for sure, no. Don't ever want to see again, ever? Maybe. Don't allow to taint my thoughts and perspectives on how I feel or think about things since them... Definitely not. Not getting that tinge of jealousy when I think/hear about you moving on. Sure - that I can do, but it takes a while for that one.
I guess, what I consider getting over someone is the willingness to move on to a new relationship - to live life again - even if that relationship is with myself and doing the things I love instead of sitting home and dwelling on what I could've done differently. But, I can't honestly expect my super-analytical brain to not revisit him/the past EVER. It's just not how I work... It's how I grieve.
Sometimes I wish for a lobotomy - cause it would be less painful than facing some of the things I've gone through. But those thoughts are fleeting. I really am so happy right now on many fronts. But still I have that void and every glance is evaluated for potential. Every advance is categorized.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
so what if my picture is still on your refrigerator
So tired, and not really sleeping these days. You don't get credit for this. Just a general excitement, followed by an uneasiness...it's an unfamiliar life, this freedom.
People don't understand, I don't want to hear about you. I don't care that it is finally hitting you - now your mouth spews sugar where there was once bitterness. For my own gratification? I gave up on gratification the day I chose not to regret a moment, embrace hope, and pass Go, without collecting $200. It was your get out of jail free card, but you only get one. Dry your tears. Now your prison is your own mind.
Against everything I learned about love - and adoration - and unconditional loyalty, I exist here. Now. There are no more cheeks to turn. I stick with the decision and must disown the propensity to justify my stance. All is not lost...I've seen a ray of hope - proving he exists, somewhere - not just in dreams.
In this life, or the next, or never...I will not settle.
People don't understand, I don't want to hear about you. I don't care that it is finally hitting you - now your mouth spews sugar where there was once bitterness. For my own gratification? I gave up on gratification the day I chose not to regret a moment, embrace hope, and pass Go, without collecting $200. It was your get out of jail free card, but you only get one. Dry your tears. Now your prison is your own mind.
Against everything I learned about love - and adoration - and unconditional loyalty, I exist here. Now. There are no more cheeks to turn. I stick with the decision and must disown the propensity to justify my stance. All is not lost...I've seen a ray of hope - proving he exists, somewhere - not just in dreams.
In this life, or the next, or never...I will not settle.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
abandoning travels down the one way street
(late post from 1/20/09)
You came to get your things after an evening of badmouthing me to your sister. She didn't buy it. In fact, all you did was confirm all the things I have told them about how you are toward people. I don't know why someone so smart doesn't see that when you talk about me behind my back, it only makes it even more plausible that you would be doing it to them as well...
Not my problem anymore.
Your sister did not go with for the retrieval. She shouldn't be in the middle anyway. After delaying the meeting, in what was likely an attempt to inflame me, you came and stood outside like a beaten dog. The perpetual victim. I'm beyond sick of your act and being at your mercy. You're only a victim of your self. In this moment, I have no sympathy. I needed to leave my house for the past hour, but had to wait for you. So while I waited, I called a new friend. Was on the phone with him making plans to see him the next day. My only words to you, "thank you".
When you left, my "big plans" were to go get ice cream with my sister - who watched the whole encounter like an angel from a far. Recounting the story to those concerned immediately afterward, it began to hit me - a rush of tears, held back with strength they bolstered with their cheers and pride in such a big step I had finally taken. Still, I hurt - suppress the desire to crawl into a hole for a month and forge on.
The following day, I hear you were not happy about the brief encounter - the phone call - the lack of regard. Really, you were not happy there was no drama - I didn't prove you right. Where was your police escort you said you would need, since I am the one always causing problems, right? I shake my head in disgust and exhaustion. You admit - you're not happy I am already moving on - saying it proves I could never have loved you as much as I claimed.
However you want to reinforce your victim stance, I don't care. I refuse to dwell anymore. It has been 2 years of stress and sometimes agony. Even you said, "If I am such an asshole, then why do you stay with me?" My typical reply, "I don't know!!" Well, what can I say now, except I've finally learned. After all the holidays you've ruined with your mouth - with your attention starved-starting-crap-for-no-reason-bullshit - I've decided to employ my "life is way to short to stay with assholes" clause.
Passion can only carry you so far. And love should not replace self-respect. I will always love you - but the intensity of that love at the expense of my happiness is no longer there. The well is dry. I need a refill, and I'm that is what I am pursuing. It doesn't have to come from a person. It will come from finding and doing things that make me happy. And the sacrifice, when it comes, will not be unwarranted.
So, on another note, I haven't slept with the shirt for almost a week. I still think of you all the time, but now, the thoughts are fleeting. I don't dwell. Almost in tears a few times, but so much less than before. I only lament what could have been based on the few, tiny elements of the relationship that resembled my life's dream. I don't lament the things that were - because the good was enveloped by the bad. A harsh reality to face.
And now, I swear I will never ever ever be with anyone that will ever deny or betray me like you had, and especially that you did it so early on - when you could not have possibly known enough about me to have justified it even in a TWISTED mind like your own. You did it because you are evil. Poison, like Grandma said. I will never again be with someone who only thinks of himself. And I don't want someone who needs to change his core to be my love. I want someone who is passionately in love with me and us and would do anything for to ensure our happiness and well-being. Because that is how I love. It is how I loved you...but I was the only one.
You came to get your things after an evening of badmouthing me to your sister. She didn't buy it. In fact, all you did was confirm all the things I have told them about how you are toward people. I don't know why someone so smart doesn't see that when you talk about me behind my back, it only makes it even more plausible that you would be doing it to them as well...
Not my problem anymore.
Your sister did not go with for the retrieval. She shouldn't be in the middle anyway. After delaying the meeting, in what was likely an attempt to inflame me, you came and stood outside like a beaten dog. The perpetual victim. I'm beyond sick of your act and being at your mercy. You're only a victim of your self. In this moment, I have no sympathy. I needed to leave my house for the past hour, but had to wait for you. So while I waited, I called a new friend. Was on the phone with him making plans to see him the next day. My only words to you, "thank you".
When you left, my "big plans" were to go get ice cream with my sister - who watched the whole encounter like an angel from a far. Recounting the story to those concerned immediately afterward, it began to hit me - a rush of tears, held back with strength they bolstered with their cheers and pride in such a big step I had finally taken. Still, I hurt - suppress the desire to crawl into a hole for a month and forge on.
The following day, I hear you were not happy about the brief encounter - the phone call - the lack of regard. Really, you were not happy there was no drama - I didn't prove you right. Where was your police escort you said you would need, since I am the one always causing problems, right? I shake my head in disgust and exhaustion. You admit - you're not happy I am already moving on - saying it proves I could never have loved you as much as I claimed.
However you want to reinforce your victim stance, I don't care. I refuse to dwell anymore. It has been 2 years of stress and sometimes agony. Even you said, "If I am such an asshole, then why do you stay with me?" My typical reply, "I don't know!!" Well, what can I say now, except I've finally learned. After all the holidays you've ruined with your mouth - with your attention starved-starting-crap-for-no-reason-bullshit - I've decided to employ my "life is way to short to stay with assholes" clause.
Passion can only carry you so far. And love should not replace self-respect. I will always love you - but the intensity of that love at the expense of my happiness is no longer there. The well is dry. I need a refill, and I'm that is what I am pursuing. It doesn't have to come from a person. It will come from finding and doing things that make me happy. And the sacrifice, when it comes, will not be unwarranted.
So, on another note, I haven't slept with the shirt for almost a week. I still think of you all the time, but now, the thoughts are fleeting. I don't dwell. Almost in tears a few times, but so much less than before. I only lament what could have been based on the few, tiny elements of the relationship that resembled my life's dream. I don't lament the things that were - because the good was enveloped by the bad. A harsh reality to face.
And now, I swear I will never ever ever be with anyone that will ever deny or betray me like you had, and especially that you did it so early on - when you could not have possibly known enough about me to have justified it even in a TWISTED mind like your own. You did it because you are evil. Poison, like Grandma said. I will never again be with someone who only thinks of himself. And I don't want someone who needs to change his core to be my love. I want someone who is passionately in love with me and us and would do anything for to ensure our happiness and well-being. Because that is how I love. It is how I loved you...but I was the only one.
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