a busy day for us both...apart

I want to text you again, but i can't. So "Good morning, baby. I hope you're up and feeling better. Your black twill pants, striped shirt and new black sweater, driving mocs and DG would look best. Spiff it up, and on your way. Drive safe. Should take a smidge more than an hour." You'll be on the road soon. Then I'd send another, "Remember, I love you and believe in you. You'll do great. This is another beginning of good things for us. You make me proud...Can't wait to hear all about it when you get home tonight. I'll have dinner waiting. Check in at lunch if you can. xoxo" I check out of my fantasy. I have to face the shower - my ultimate think tank. Hope I survive without becoming a mess. Wish you had me on your wrist. But will put it in the safe and keep it as long as there is hope in my heart.

**You call me. Of course, I answer. Asked why I would go to your father for help, tell him things you wanted to be kept between us. I explain you left me with no other choice...you need help and pleaded with you to stop denying the facts. You ask why I would tell them the things you said about Christmas. Because they deserve to know and your dad needs to realize how you lash out at the ones that love you most - that its not just me; and that you continue to lie. Maybe you will listen to him and he will hold your feet to the fire. You still "don't understand" and you still deny any responsibility that you are disrespectful.**

They try to convince me to give up. It's not worth the investment, you'll never change. Still I defend and believe in you, knowing they could be right. Like they were the last time(s). I will stand by you and fight your demons with you, as long as you are fighting too.

You were the last to put garbage in my trash, the tissue before this was pulled by you. Bottom drawer, off limits. There's pain in there...

I won today, no ticket for me. Can't share the good news. You called your dad. So happy for you. An office, with a door. Makes me smile. I can't hate you like they tell me to. I chose you , I want your success, not rock bottom. Running to a town near you. Have an errand down the street. Want to meet up but my dignity insists not...no status update for you. No reply for me. A mix of emotion, first the air of relief, now on the verge of tears. Past the Jewish deli with the huge sandwich, the Europeans, and the pet lady. Were remaking memories that day...to torture ourselves with later.

Reassure myself I'll survive. Know it's true, but the interim reality I can't see beyond. Sooooo tired, want to sleep for a month.

Watching them get their marriage license. I take care of my business at the courthouse.

Had given up plans to be able to be there when you got home. Defended it to your sister when she asked. Knew how important it would be for you to tell me about your first day. Now, I even consider dinner with a friend, who I also turned down for us. Won't get me anything. I wouldn't be there even if I went. Got a repeat invite, but my heart hurts tonight. So no.

Cursing Christmas lights and comic con. What was I thinking? Will you forget about me? Begging for a distraction so I can forget you...don't want to be the fool. Neither do you. Why do we even fight? Do you even love me? Can you ever love someone more than yourself?

the first sunday

I would have given anything but my self respect to have come back and climbed in bed to just hold you. Breaks my heart to not. To reach out to the only one left who can, if not to save us, at least save you - knowing the pain it will cause, but completely necessary - and out of desperation, I do. As the moment draws near, I hurt as I anticipate its progression, a nervous wreck, stomach flips its way up to my closed throat...fear of you. Fear of no you.

Recalling the message at church, depicting my ideal life, vows to my spouse, lessons we would teach our kids...all with you. Turning left on 47 instead of right...longing for a detour. Drove past the white church; john mayer...was with you. You're everywhere along this route. Having to face Grandma's fate made undeniably real in stone...without you. The last visit, a bantering folly - but still, you were there. Addressing Grandpa's inquiry for two, as only one. Nothing's wrong. But it is.

Wanting to let you go and embrace peace - but inside, just as much turmoil. Rejecting a destiny of discontentment, I wonder why we aren't worth your pride.

It's not supposed to be like this.

I refuse to become numb.

I text you good luck. No reply, but that's expected. I sleep next to pillows I refuse to smell...until this morning as I make the bed. I sneak in a puff like stealing a cigarette without getting caught. My new toothbrush, the toothpaste you 'stole', your towel went to the laundry - I now regret it. Cetaphil. I'll leave your things, hoping you'll come back to me. Hoping you'll keep your promise and soften your heart. I prayed that for you so many times yesterday and today. I love you so...Still promise to see us through if you'll see the right path and choose it. So tired.

love economy

What's a promise worth in your struggling love economy? Is it devalued currency, because in mine, it's gold, worth even more when everything else is down. Can't buy a thing but trade for a pile of increasingly worthless paper, the smart cherish it for the security it provides, refusing to sell or trade. Clinging to it as if their human existence depends on it. The only constant commodity - Universally recognized...

relationship optimism in a crunch

I love you for being.
I love you for evolving.
I love you for wanting to protect & comfort~even when you don't know how.
I love you for your desire & your touch.
I love you for caring.
I love you for being conflicted & still choosing.
I love you for waking next to me each morning.
I love you for not knowing all the answers, but being curious instead.
I love that you indulge and don't judge me for the same ~ even when it's odd.
I love that you're driven even if it's to spend the day doing nothing.
I love that you provide and let me do the same.
I love that you cook for me.
I love that we have our little "things" we've done or that we laugh about.
I love how you eat crunchy stuff...it's cute.
I love that you just know.
I love that you appreciate who I am.
I love when you notice little details about me that show you're starting to really understand...
I love that you respect nature and things with fur.
I love when you can feel what I need and just do it.
I love when you remind me of things I almost forgot to do but must...
I love that you love my meatloaf.
I love your intelligence and your intuition. Your heart.
I love that you sleep through my kisses and cuddles but sometimes moan cause you like my touch.
I love that you're not as threatened by my sister.
I love that you're beginning to see through to the deeper depths of my heart.
I love that I look forward to seeing you each time.
I love that you bring me peace in turmoil.
I love your strength when I need it and your humility at times.
I love that you stand by the decisions you made and are learning to be more aware of how they affect us.
I love that you're grounded but still adventurous.
I love that holding your hand feels so right.
I love you hold on and that you also let go...
I love to make you proud.
I love that you're always paying attention to little things.
I love that you're not always what you seem.
I love that you stand up for us and believe in us.
I love when you breathe me in when I'm there and even after I've left.
I love that you support the things I'm passionate about ~even when you don't understand it or agree...
I love that we are a team.
I love that you will be a great father and raise strong, responsible, kids.
I love that you're learning that sometimes all I need is a hug~not a solution.
Your hugs fix so much. You are my light.

Out of the blue...book that is...6/19/07-6/21/07

What do I want? In life, in love ~ I suppose I've always been one to adapt to circumstance, learn to embrace it as my own and run with it, so I guess some soul searching is in order. Being flexible, I thought suited me well, but here I am ~ pushing the first third of my life, and I am alone. Not in the most literal sense…well actually, I'm sitting in the Toronto baggage claim with everyone that works here mentioning how bored I look…so alone it is.

More importantly, I've only recently begun this portion of my life and I've started nearly from scratch. I don't really have remnants of friends that I grew up with other than those that I've recently exchanged a few electronic sentiments with. Part of me likes it this way, but only because of the circumstances that determined my departure almost 12 years ago. I have no issues with the decisions I made back then - they are what they are ~ I do wish I had more to show for them, but I'm happy with who I've become ~ generally speaking.

I can't say my desire to be further along in life is not a result of social pressure - although it has been something I've preferred to stray from. It's inevitably an undeniable force in the type and intensity of pressure I put on myself. It's beyond the basics of where I think I should be. The question is - looking through all of that, what is really in my heart and is that something I will recognize once I have. And if my heart's desire is a deviation from social expectation, will I allow it, or stifle it? I know I want my independence, my compassion, my intelligence and my humility to be maintained regardless of whether I am alone the rest of my life or if I'm with the most devoted husband and family. But I also want to be somewhat revered and most certainly respected.

I want someone who is on a similar path in life, who may not have the exact dream, but sees and understands mine. Someone who is so pleased by my happiness that they are driven to encourage me to succeed and will contribute to that in any way they can. I want to be so in love with that person that I'm doing the same - but I don't want the goals that we both share to conflict to the point that they aren't mutually pursuable. (is that a word? Lol) If I don't come across this I will continue on that quest alone, but something I really need to work on is convincing myself that the goals and dreams I have for myself and my life are priority above the goal of having someone to pursue them with. And if I make that the priority for myself it is more likely that when individuals come in and out of my life, I will be able to discern their true intentions and likeness, as my goal will remain constant and I will have a clear view of how/if they will fit in.

Novel concept, I know…Just not how my life has lead me to live to this point. I don't want to compromise my morals or ideals and often times I find myself close to that in my desire to be desirable. Really, this accomplishes nothing by way of strengthening the relationship or my faith in myself. These are ideals I wish had been instilled in my head by example or experience instead of having been raised to fit an expectation with little or no deviation. The concept of being myself is so foreign to me that I couldn't even act it in a play convincingly.

As much as I know I have the potential to be strong and independent, I have such a strong desire to be and have a companion in life. I want someone to be my ground - my roots - my home. I want to be able to gallivant around the world with or without him and know that it pains him to be away from me as much as it does me, but that it only drives the positive intensity of the relationship. I don't want someone who resents who I am or desire to become so that I know in my heart of hearts that he is and will always be my biggest supporter ~ especially when everyone else thinks I've lost all sanity. I want him to know the purity of my heart and I want to know his. I don't want to question his motives or whether or not he is satisfied with who I am or want to become. I don't want to carry him or be carried except for the rare exception, at which point, I would stop at nothing. I want to be the first thing on his mind when he wakes and I want him to tell me that. I want him to lose track of his thoughts when I catch his eye, and to always be enamored with me, even 20 years from now.

Knowing fully well these things don't come immediately, in the meantime, I'd like to just be able to laugh, or cry, but mostly, be my quirky, goofy self and maybe later, we'll have matching luggage.

Out of the blue...book that is...5/2/07

Something that has really been weighing on my mind is the question of whether or not a good relationship can be successul when love is mutual, but full understanding of eachother is not. Can someone really, truly, love you the way love must be to ensure success & happiness if they don't understand you or vice versa? If I feel like he doesn't know what drives me, he'll never be able to appreciate me for who I really am. And I feel like I am doing him a huge disservice if the reciprocal is true.

How can we defend, encourage, support, or even agree with our lives' directions, goals, and decisions if we don't really "get" what drives us. It's not for lack of communication or information. It truly is for lack of understanding and comprehension. I hear what he says, I try to see it from his perspective, but I have no comprehension of being able to see it the same way! And we're talking right and wrong. Things that make me feel good to do because I think it's the right thing to do, he'll come back and tell me how incredibly wrong they are in the most, "what the hell were you thinking?" way.

I end up feeling like crap. And I pretty much do the same thing to him. He really thinks he's got a situation handled and he's doing the respectable thing and I think he's lost his mind or making a big mistake or is a total jerk because of it. And now there's the whole back and forth of everything. I feel like I can barely consider a life without him when things are good. I really work hard to impress him so he can see how good my heart is and he thinks there's something loose in my brain. It's devastating!! And it's not because we're sick of eachother. It makes me cry to think of it.

And the way I get incredibly jealous of the thought of him with even an inkling of a possibility that he hold someone in higher esteem than me. And simultaneously it breaks my heart to think of hurting him - but how will I not hurt him if staying will keep him from being fufilled and leaving him would make it hurt to breathe? And how I would miss the things he does that allow me to feel how much he loves me even if he never even said it. And having the major contradiction to his gesture, his emotion, is my own self-doubt and my quandry that brought me here in the first place, to the book, that is.

I want to be his "leading lady" the one he always writes - the one he always thinks of no matter what idealistic thought of a potential role of his lover, wife, etc. And so when these things happen, when he disapproves, I feel horrible. And how do I give up the dreams I see in his eyes, in how he holds a baby... So because he is regularly doing things to touch my heart and it wins me over and I forget all of the things that I see as potential issues and then I question the validity of those concerns and push them aside.

I've identified this over and over and I still fall into the trap! Am I pursuing him or the dream? Is it because I see him as bits and pieces of reality that coincide with my dream and then fill in the holes with fantasies? And why do I think more of the moments when I don't ever want to be away from him instead of the moments when I wish I never met him, so I wouldn't have to be in the middle of all this mess - this mental torture. I can not be myself - he says I can, but I can not. It's too conflicting. My self tells me to do something that ends up being a total screw up and then my self tells me that's horrible because it isn't pleasing to him.

I'm living my life for him and he doesn't even get me. Doesn't understand me enough to realize that it's not about me being disrespectful or continuing to do something we previously discussed a million times because I refuse to change. And God forbid, I have an actual conviction on a subject he disagrees on, granted, I'm no angel in that department. We butt heads. We're both strong willed, defensive, and stubborn people. There's no graceful complementing of eachothers qualities or lack there of.

This is not a Yin-Yang situation. We're not going to "learn" ourselves out of this. But there's such a strong drive inside of me to not give up on him. I'm about to end my Miami trip, to land back in Chicago - in my Reality and then what? More fights? More realities to stitch together with my fantasy thread? Realization? Please? Something?

Out of the blue...book that is...3/22/07

Sitting up, tired, but wide awake in Houston at 2:53am... Pondering the possibilities of life, as usual. Why am I not one to make demands? Why am I one to be gracious with what I'm handed, to be content with everyone else being comfortable and satisfied with a situation when it's not what I want ~ not what will ultimately make me happy? Even when that option is clearly mine with little or not potential repercussions...I still choose to make others happy first.

I know compassion has been ingrained in me since youth, but is a life of sacrifice really what it's cracked up to be? Why does it feel so incredibly satisfying? Is this my calling? And to where would I be called if that was the case? Would it be enough to accept that those in my path are the ones ~ to passively allow them to be my subjects? Should I not go where I feel most compelled? But there are so many places? How can I, as one, reach enough? What is enough? When will I feel satisfied I have reached that level? And will I be expected to take breaks and tend to my own life? I don't see how that's devotion or dedication unless it's the only way to ensure I'm able to give my all.

When do I pursue, if that's what I should do? If I feel led to go, should I not gather tools & prepare as I already am? Or is that a waste of time? And if it's not a waste, then why do I constantly question if I'm doing the right things? Are the warnings from those crossing my path to be heeded or ignored? I don't want to insist on my own way. I don't want to make people concerned about my needs. I won't compromise morals, but still I will remain true to what fits ~ what rings true ~ authentic self.

So now, if I sleep ~ what should I dream? Of the life I feel compelled to live, or the life I would give up? Babies, families, husbands, all not my own? Maybe those I help instead? Can I have both? Will I find one to share my dream? One to love me despite a distant focus on taking care of my own needs ~ yet still be willing to take care of me when I've run out of steam? And maybe babies to teach to embrace compassion as well...