Out of the blue…book that is…6/3/06

Thinking of a way to have it all ~ I feel so stifled, there is so much compassion inside my heart that I am not finding an adequate outlet for. It is so much compassion that it would overwhelm even one hundred people. My work is sucking me dry and I feel like I'm wasting time. I must come up with a way to effectively represent myself as an asset to an organization that I would be willing to passionately represent. This is my recent challenge….So we sit in the middle of a fountain near Lake Shore Drive ~ Hadassah takes pictures of me contemplating major life changes ~ which I have been doing the past few days ~ They haven't varied much lately, but are a far cry from previous plans. She is very thrown off. I don't blame her and am trying to be very patient. Her life and mine are so intertwined any flux in mine is a major flux in hers…I must understand why.

Out of the blue…book that is…5/27/06

Missing that "ideal" again. It's so incredibly hard to have the complete awareness that I have something incredible and yet still be yearning for something that is entirely impossible. They are two separate worlds, opposites with extreme possibilities. One brings nothing but happiness in the environment and the relationship, distress. The other, happiness in the relationship and monotony in the environment. Is there an in-between? Or can I have it all ~ my dream?

Out of the blue…book that is…5/17/06

Lamenting the dreaded first entry into "the book" ~ because I have reserved it for the final book in my search. An unrealistic expectation ~ yet again. Doesn't surprise the reader or the writer ~ my typical fare. Do I abhor disappointment ~ of course ~ don't we all? Yet I encourage it. What happened to reckless abandon of youth? Lost…in experience. No matter. "The book" will be there ~ whenever I'm ready for it. Not likely it'll be long.

It's the perfect "something blue" for the wedding day tradition. Maybe it'll be about love in general instead of a particular person ~ not citing specific instances, but instead, the philosophy developed as an explanation to the emotional response to circumstance and even happenstance. This is a much safer approach for the sake of "the book" as well as "the writer". Maybe this will be embraced as the proper approach to chronicling this time in life, when major life decisions are being made - and un-made - on a regular basis. It leaves less pressure to stick with the original, noted plan, although would, therefore not encourage commitment or a resolve to make the "right" decision the first go around. But that has never been my quest ~ obviously. I only resolve to not make the same mistake twice ~ and wait!! Who's calling them mistakes anyway?

If I could go back and had to make these choices again, I know I made the best decision I could at the time with the information I had. Why should that be considered a mistake? Unless, only in light of the opinion of an outsider, which has no bearing. I regress, "the book" will develop into whatever it was meant to be, and I will continue to live authentically. The way I have resolved to live. And those I choose to share my life with, will be named if I choose, or will remain obscure, if more appropriate. The writing of the next chapter commences…

Response to "Potential"

Although when I originally posted "Potential", I was referring to my tendency to be extremely patient with people in my life that were a consistent disappointment, new situations create a different perception of its meaning.

Love can be anything that we want it to be. We can look at a person we love and decide whether or not we see faults. Often times the faults we see in others are actually a reflection of our own insecurities. It us looking for a way out - or even a way to avoid the situation altogether. I cannot say it is irrational - there is a definite path of logic behind this approach. I cannot dismiss it as ignorant, either - for in fact, it is a very intellectual approach. But, if we wanted to have a lifelong intellectual relationship, then why not look for a mentorship instead of looking for love? Love is not meant to be intellectual. One does not have to hold a high IQ to truly be in love.

Love is about sentiment and emotion. That is not to say that logic should never enter the picture, but there must be a definite balance. There are many faults that love chooses to overlook because from the 30,000 ft level, they are extremely insignificant and would not affect one's overall happiness or the potential for an eternal relationship.

There are, however, those who choose to overlook those faults that would condemn love before it had even been incepted. That used to be me. Spiting my incorrigible heart, which had been broken - not one, but several times, I consistently put it back on the "line" for the sake of an investment with no certain promise of return. In fact, post heartbreak, I'd overcompensate by taking even greater risks in situations where my logic SCREAMED for me to heed it's warnings as if I had a secret attraction to intense pain and unhappiness. But my motivation was to never, ever let heartache and disappointment get the best of me. To never, ever let my faith and hope be stolen by circumstance.

I am a firm believer in fate - "what will be, will be" - and with that belief, I would not be put in the path of someone if there was not a lesson to be learned from the interaction with them. So, if I was attracted to that person, it was because I was supposed to be, so why wouldn't I go with it?

In my most recently ended relationship, I knew - even from the very first day, that it was going to be an uphill battle that I was not likely to win. But, I am not one to back away from a challenge. My objective was to be flexible enough in mind that I would not allow the things to bother me that are basic principles of self-respect. I sacrificed my own dignity for the sake of potential and not only did it not pay off, I ended up below sea level, struggling to gain sight of the hope that was once blinding me. And now, the person that deserves that optimism the most, suffers.

So let's revisit fate, yet again. If that was truly meant to have happened the way it did, then, unfortunately, innocent parties end up suffering. Such is life, right? Well, a few days ago, I decided to simply step back, stop processing every little detail - stop looking for ways out - and simply be.

Since doing that, I realize that I have become so accustomed to the disappointment that I may even miss it. Why is it that I can not enjoy happiness? I know that we are creatures of habit and do not adapt well to change, but if I can do the "mind over matter" thing to get me to be able to put up with someone's faults, why can I not do the same to be able to enjoy someone's virtues?

Am I that accustomed to sacrificing that I can not receive? How do I retrain myself to see things for what they are and not speculate on how horrible they could become? And, how did I ever allow myself to get this way in the first place when I was so strong-willed against ever letting this happen? As strong as I am, why did I ever give up on my determination?

Was it the depth of devotion that allowed the wound to run as deep? Was the pain that unbearable that I would change my entire course to avoid it all the while sacrificing the realization of my dreams of happiness that I had always longed for? Why was HE that important that I would allow him that honor?

Am I not being fair to the virtuous one? Should I deny myself of that defense for his sake, or would denying ANY part of myself be inauthentic and result in a projected uncertainty and resentment?

Why do I need these answers with such immediate concern? Again, we bring ourselves full circle. And back to the beginning.

enough isn't enough

I'm trying to remember all the things I dislike about you so I can try to convince myself to hate you. This would be much easier if I hated you...Last night, a picture of a family had me in tears. I get this sick, sick feeling in my stomach when I think of how much I know we are supposed to be together, but know how much it would hurt me to be with you right now. I feel like this is a test - of my own self-worth, I think. To prove to me that I'm worth that much...Enough that I should not be willing to settle for someone who does not treat and respect me like a queen.

Even now, as I write, there is a huge knot in my throat, tears well up in my eyes at the thought of no you! What were we supposed to be? If not forever, were we long enough? If enough, why do I have such a void where you once were? Every day my heart breaks a little more. I wish for it to soon, begin to mend instead.

I wish my mind would step in and overpower my heart again. No substitute is cutting it. Only logic can have an effect - emotion must submit.

what I didn't have

"One day you will realize what you had. I will only realize what I didn't have and then I will not have any regret for letting you go. I love you, bu this is the end. I hope you will one day find peace. I will pray for that for you, always."

And that is how I decided to end it on Sunday, March 5 ~ today, three days later, I've finally had a moment to vent. This is not my first attempt at separation, it's just that the last few times, I've broken down, justifying it by saying, "we're both adults, not answering the phone is the childish way to handle this."

But getting sucked back into his world just from being around him and in contact with him has not proven beneficial. There is still a significant lack of respect and he is still incredibly selfish. I'm not going to make myself vulnerable again. Answering the phone, when the calls every day, would open the door to more heartache.

I'm through with heartache - no more. Yet I miss him like mad. I yearn for his voice, his idiosyncrasies. I secretly hope he'll keep calling and that the realization of the seriousness of my withdrawal will fuel him to fight for me, with time I want to resist those kind of efforts ~ an extreme push to demonstrate change that I can pretend has no effect on me for the sake of instilling a sense of value to the spoiled brat that is him.

I hope things ~ simple things~ in his everyday life, remind him of me - so I can haunt him with the loss, with his mistake. I want him to try to visit me at my house when I don't answer my phone because he is missing me so much and be able to deny him ~ to let him feel so close and get pushed away.

Part of this is a game - one I've sworn I'd never play, so I'm determined to suppress these secret desires and stick to the plan. I don't want to have to teach him a lesson so he'll appreciate me more.If he doesn't know it, understand it, right now, he never really will.

I won't settle for less than love ~ the two sided, reciprocated kind. I'm not waiting forever, either, for him to come around.

If God wants it, it'll be right ~ there will be peace. I need to embrace this concept and forsake everything else.

somebody answered the phone

"please, don't make this harder for me than it already is..."

"we were friends before we had contemplated anything else. don't forget that what we had can and should be eternal...we cared about eachother."

"you know, I thought it would hurt worst at the beginning and get better with time, but every single day it's worse. you didn't break my heart, you shredded it."

"don't try to be all firm and professional like you're negotiating a business deal. I am a person with feelings. this is my life, my happiness..."