No matter how many "good days" or "bad moments" we have, I search for a foundation on which to build and sometimes rebuild, but find nothing worthy of that title.
Only God, His Promises, His Word, His Love would be solid....yet even the knowledge of these things, we don't share.
What am I doing?
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Friday, January 2, 2009
a New Year promises the return of Hope
Wanting to write more, but not finding privacy anywhere but in my head...Can't keep track of all the thoughts through the progression of the past two days. Seeing you, almost a stranger - but not stranger enough to forget what causes the tug of war in my mind. We dance the tide, switching roles often. I pull you in, you pull away - you invited me to go, but would barely brush against me most of the night, unless for show. Have good news; be happier or at least happy as the rest. Obligation was my saviour - I got the New Year kiss...although very one sided. Only I know forgiveness, seemingly, in that moment - to my own demise. You were tired, things were loud. Your ears hurt, you lay your head against me, my arm and chest insulation from the raucous. I got to caress and kiss your head, remember, I'm still here - uncomfortable, but fighting.
Investing in your love economy, I see little gain. You go home, I get no call to assure safety and worry in shame. Why should I care? He drove away...wanted the day alone. Medicine for us both. All day it continues, but mostly ebb and no flow. Disrupting gravity - smothering our roots...Tonight, after my day of purging (read, cleaning like a mad woman) and selfishness (read, surrounding myself with my 4 favorite girlies), and your day of recuperating (read, sleeping off a crappy cold and shutting out everyone but your dad), I swallow my pride, face my fears, let down my shields and call again. "Are you not wanting to talk to me anymore, or what?" No, you had just "crashed". We exchange niceties, it's late - both with things to do, we choose to migrate to the multi-task friendly, more private, less vulnerable realm of chat.
You mention a movie, I check it the reviews - starts a conversation about dreams and reality not working out - it hits home. Don't want to reinforce the fear in favor of faith...Reminds me to tell you about some self-discovery I've been focused on - how sometimes the fear grows much bigger than the faith, and I feel I can't fight the fear alone. My faith loses strength until I stop focusing on the fear long enough to feed the faith again.
Each time I face this, there's this temporary strength. "Be independent and believe in yourself." I can be happy - I have family, and "family" - I'm not alone. People love me and wish me well - kick my butt when I need it - pick me up after I've shunned their advice. Respecting my authenticity.
With their unconditional support - and that shunned, but not forgotten advice, I have been able to realize a lot about myself. Like for instance that I forgive so easily that I don't force myself or anyone else to face reality. I shut down my emotions so I don't have to face them. In fact, I am so uncomfortable facing them that I stifle them and then eventually they explode....well all my emotions except for love. The most explosive ones being fear, grief, anger...I overcompensate for the stifilation (add that to your dictionary) of them by giving away my love so easily, like a free-flowing fountain of healing to anyone that holds out their hand - but more importantly for myself. It is the only thing that makes me feel better - and distracts me from the other emotions I keep feeling so strongly but don't want to deal with.
Now comes the contradiction: so I give this magic stuff away like it's nothing - like it'll never run out, and I'll never get tired of distributing it...but I hurt - and tremendously is an understatement here - when it is taken for granted and/or not returned. This is my recognized failure of a human trying her dandiest to carry out part of one Divine instruction - while forgetting the rest and several others. It is the struggle to prioritize specifics of Spiritual law - and apply them to an incomplete context...like planting seeds on untilled soil and expecting an earthly harvest without faith for supplemental provision of manna.
This is evident as being independent, although a big part of me, is not happy. Happy is giving. Happy is loving. Happy is realizing dreams. Happy is working together to become more and better. Happy is investing with only faith and hope, not for gain, but for peace and harmony that result only when my life is in line with Divine instruction. Happy can not be always, but usually is enough for me. When the resulting gaps are filled with Love (Agape) and love (philia), I can survive anything.
But the faith - eluding me, eluding us - is something for which we need a path/some unbiased guidance... because that faith is something at least I, have been so quick to abandon for fear. (and I assume you too, or a variation of the sort, based on your actions/reactions and recounted feelings about them) We are so afraid of losing each other’s love that we go to desperate lengths to hold on to it in any way we possibly can. There are better ways to handle this, but in our individual efforts to change, we are not finding any sense of security that we'll end up ok. So we go to extremes...and we break each other’s hearts.
Add to that our fear of disappointing the other. We are so concerned of failing in choosing each other, having been destroyed in our previous commitments. So we have unrealistically high standards that we are never entirely satisfied with each other and change all the time depending on how strong the fear and especially the reinforcement of the fear. So we are striving to hit a moving target and each failure to do so adds to the fear of the other and decreases the odds that it will ever happen. Then when the other is disappointed in us, we are devastated because we are working so hard and that is either not recognized, or our own sense of defeat dominates and we begin to resent each other. We try so hard to secure our future that we try ourselves right out of any possibility of realizing it.
I don't know the solution, and nothing either of us tries has been the end all be all...we both agree.
We discuss the past few weeks at length and in excruciating detail that somehow proves to be therapeutic. I made sure you knew you were being heard and made sure you understood where I was coming from. Both of us more than willing to concede toward the end. To prioritize healing and undoing damage. My heart believes you. I can feel that unique love we have again - faith is fed, hope returns...
I await tomorrow, for a tactile reinforcement. We're doing an "us" thing...not giving up.
Investing in your love economy, I see little gain. You go home, I get no call to assure safety and worry in shame. Why should I care? He drove away...wanted the day alone. Medicine for us both. All day it continues, but mostly ebb and no flow. Disrupting gravity - smothering our roots...Tonight, after my day of purging (read, cleaning like a mad woman) and selfishness (read, surrounding myself with my 4 favorite girlies), and your day of recuperating (read, sleeping off a crappy cold and shutting out everyone but your dad), I swallow my pride, face my fears, let down my shields and call again. "Are you not wanting to talk to me anymore, or what?" No, you had just "crashed". We exchange niceties, it's late - both with things to do, we choose to migrate to the multi-task friendly, more private, less vulnerable realm of chat.
You mention a movie, I check it the reviews - starts a conversation about dreams and reality not working out - it hits home. Don't want to reinforce the fear in favor of faith...Reminds me to tell you about some self-discovery I've been focused on - how sometimes the fear grows much bigger than the faith, and I feel I can't fight the fear alone. My faith loses strength until I stop focusing on the fear long enough to feed the faith again.
Each time I face this, there's this temporary strength. "Be independent and believe in yourself." I can be happy - I have family, and "family" - I'm not alone. People love me and wish me well - kick my butt when I need it - pick me up after I've shunned their advice. Respecting my authenticity.
With their unconditional support - and that shunned, but not forgotten advice, I have been able to realize a lot about myself. Like for instance that I forgive so easily that I don't force myself or anyone else to face reality. I shut down my emotions so I don't have to face them. In fact, I am so uncomfortable facing them that I stifle them and then eventually they explode....well all my emotions except for love. The most explosive ones being fear, grief, anger...I overcompensate for the stifilation (add that to your dictionary) of them by giving away my love so easily, like a free-flowing fountain of healing to anyone that holds out their hand - but more importantly for myself. It is the only thing that makes me feel better - and distracts me from the other emotions I keep feeling so strongly but don't want to deal with.
Now comes the contradiction: so I give this magic stuff away like it's nothing - like it'll never run out, and I'll never get tired of distributing it...but I hurt - and tremendously is an understatement here - when it is taken for granted and/or not returned. This is my recognized failure of a human trying her dandiest to carry out part of one Divine instruction - while forgetting the rest and several others. It is the struggle to prioritize specifics of Spiritual law - and apply them to an incomplete context...like planting seeds on untilled soil and expecting an earthly harvest without faith for supplemental provision of manna.
This is evident as being independent, although a big part of me, is not happy. Happy is giving. Happy is loving. Happy is realizing dreams. Happy is working together to become more and better. Happy is investing with only faith and hope, not for gain, but for peace and harmony that result only when my life is in line with Divine instruction. Happy can not be always, but usually is enough for me. When the resulting gaps are filled with Love (Agape) and love (philia), I can survive anything.
But the faith - eluding me, eluding us - is something for which we need a path/some unbiased guidance... because that faith is something at least I, have been so quick to abandon for fear. (and I assume you too, or a variation of the sort, based on your actions/reactions and recounted feelings about them) We are so afraid of losing each other’s love that we go to desperate lengths to hold on to it in any way we possibly can. There are better ways to handle this, but in our individual efforts to change, we are not finding any sense of security that we'll end up ok. So we go to extremes...and we break each other’s hearts.
Add to that our fear of disappointing the other. We are so concerned of failing in choosing each other, having been destroyed in our previous commitments. So we have unrealistically high standards that we are never entirely satisfied with each other and change all the time depending on how strong the fear and especially the reinforcement of the fear. So we are striving to hit a moving target and each failure to do so adds to the fear of the other and decreases the odds that it will ever happen. Then when the other is disappointed in us, we are devastated because we are working so hard and that is either not recognized, or our own sense of defeat dominates and we begin to resent each other. We try so hard to secure our future that we try ourselves right out of any possibility of realizing it.
I don't know the solution, and nothing either of us tries has been the end all be all...we both agree.
We discuss the past few weeks at length and in excruciating detail that somehow proves to be therapeutic. I made sure you knew you were being heard and made sure you understood where I was coming from. Both of us more than willing to concede toward the end. To prioritize healing and undoing damage. My heart believes you. I can feel that unique love we have again - faith is fed, hope returns...
I await tomorrow, for a tactile reinforcement. We're doing an "us" thing...not giving up.
Monday, December 29, 2008
a busy day for us both...apart
I want to text you again, but i can't. So "Good morning, baby. I hope you're up and feeling better. Your black twill pants, striped shirt and new black sweater, driving mocs and DG would look best. Spiff it up, and on your way. Drive safe. Should take a smidge more than an hour." You'll be on the road soon. Then I'd send another, "Remember, I love you and believe in you. You'll do great. This is another beginning of good things for us. You make me proud...Can't wait to hear all about it when you get home tonight. I'll have dinner waiting. Check in at lunch if you can. xoxo" I check out of my fantasy. I have to face the shower - my ultimate think tank. Hope I survive without becoming a mess. Wish you had me on your wrist. But will put it in the safe and keep it as long as there is hope in my heart.
**You call me. Of course, I answer. Asked why I would go to your father for help, tell him things you wanted to be kept between us. I explain you left me with no other choice...you need help and pleaded with you to stop denying the facts. You ask why I would tell them the things you said about Christmas. Because they deserve to know and your dad needs to realize how you lash out at the ones that love you most - that its not just me; and that you continue to lie. Maybe you will listen to him and he will hold your feet to the fire. You still "don't understand" and you still deny any responsibility that you are disrespectful.**
They try to convince me to give up. It's not worth the investment, you'll never change. Still I defend and believe in you, knowing they could be right. Like they were the last time(s). I will stand by you and fight your demons with you, as long as you are fighting too.
You were the last to put garbage in my trash, the tissue before this was pulled by you. Bottom drawer, off limits. There's pain in there...
I won today, no ticket for me. Can't share the good news. You called your dad. So happy for you. An office, with a door. Makes me smile. I can't hate you like they tell me to. I chose you , I want your success, not rock bottom. Running to a town near you. Have an errand down the street. Want to meet up but my dignity insists not...no status update for you. No reply for me. A mix of emotion, first the air of relief, now on the verge of tears. Past the Jewish deli with the huge sandwich, the Europeans, and the pet lady. Were remaking memories that day...to torture ourselves with later.
Reassure myself I'll survive. Know it's true, but the interim reality I can't see beyond. Sooooo tired, want to sleep for a month.
Watching them get their marriage license. I take care of my business at the courthouse.
Had given up plans to be able to be there when you got home. Defended it to your sister when she asked. Knew how important it would be for you to tell me about your first day. Now, I even consider dinner with a friend, who I also turned down for us. Won't get me anything. I wouldn't be there even if I went. Got a repeat invite, but my heart hurts tonight. So no.
Cursing Christmas lights and comic con. What was I thinking? Will you forget about me? Begging for a distraction so I can forget you...don't want to be the fool. Neither do you. Why do we even fight? Do you even love me? Can you ever love someone more than yourself?
**You call me. Of course, I answer. Asked why I would go to your father for help, tell him things you wanted to be kept between us. I explain you left me with no other choice...you need help and pleaded with you to stop denying the facts. You ask why I would tell them the things you said about Christmas. Because they deserve to know and your dad needs to realize how you lash out at the ones that love you most - that its not just me; and that you continue to lie. Maybe you will listen to him and he will hold your feet to the fire. You still "don't understand" and you still deny any responsibility that you are disrespectful.**
They try to convince me to give up. It's not worth the investment, you'll never change. Still I defend and believe in you, knowing they could be right. Like they were the last time(s). I will stand by you and fight your demons with you, as long as you are fighting too.
You were the last to put garbage in my trash, the tissue before this was pulled by you. Bottom drawer, off limits. There's pain in there...
I won today, no ticket for me. Can't share the good news. You called your dad. So happy for you. An office, with a door. Makes me smile. I can't hate you like they tell me to. I chose you , I want your success, not rock bottom. Running to a town near you. Have an errand down the street. Want to meet up but my dignity insists not...no status update for you. No reply for me. A mix of emotion, first the air of relief, now on the verge of tears. Past the Jewish deli with the huge sandwich, the Europeans, and the pet lady. Were remaking memories that day...to torture ourselves with later.
Reassure myself I'll survive. Know it's true, but the interim reality I can't see beyond. Sooooo tired, want to sleep for a month.
Watching them get their marriage license. I take care of my business at the courthouse.
Had given up plans to be able to be there when you got home. Defended it to your sister when she asked. Knew how important it would be for you to tell me about your first day. Now, I even consider dinner with a friend, who I also turned down for us. Won't get me anything. I wouldn't be there even if I went. Got a repeat invite, but my heart hurts tonight. So no.
Cursing Christmas lights and comic con. What was I thinking? Will you forget about me? Begging for a distraction so I can forget you...don't want to be the fool. Neither do you. Why do we even fight? Do you even love me? Can you ever love someone more than yourself?
the first sunday
I would have given anything but my self respect to have come back and climbed in bed to just hold you. Breaks my heart to not. To reach out to the only one left who can, if not to save us, at least save you - knowing the pain it will cause, but completely necessary - and out of desperation, I do. As the moment draws near, I hurt as I anticipate its progression, a nervous wreck, stomach flips its way up to my closed throat...fear of you. Fear of no you.
Recalling the message at church, depicting my ideal life, vows to my spouse, lessons we would teach our kids...all with you. Turning left on 47 instead of right...longing for a detour. Drove past the white church; john mayer...was with you. You're everywhere along this route. Having to face Grandma's fate made undeniably real in stone...without you. The last visit, a bantering folly - but still, you were there. Addressing Grandpa's inquiry for two, as only one. Nothing's wrong. But it is.
Wanting to let you go and embrace peace - but inside, just as much turmoil. Rejecting a destiny of discontentment, I wonder why we aren't worth your pride.
It's not supposed to be like this.
I refuse to become numb.
I text you good luck. No reply, but that's expected. I sleep next to pillows I refuse to smell...until this morning as I make the bed. I sneak in a puff like stealing a cigarette without getting caught. My new toothbrush, the toothpaste you 'stole', your towel went to the laundry - I now regret it. Cetaphil. I'll leave your things, hoping you'll come back to me. Hoping you'll keep your promise and soften your heart. I prayed that for you so many times yesterday and today. I love you so...Still promise to see us through if you'll see the right path and choose it. So tired.
Recalling the message at church, depicting my ideal life, vows to my spouse, lessons we would teach our kids...all with you. Turning left on 47 instead of right...longing for a detour. Drove past the white church; john mayer...was with you. You're everywhere along this route. Having to face Grandma's fate made undeniably real in stone...without you. The last visit, a bantering folly - but still, you were there. Addressing Grandpa's inquiry for two, as only one. Nothing's wrong. But it is.
Wanting to let you go and embrace peace - but inside, just as much turmoil. Rejecting a destiny of discontentment, I wonder why we aren't worth your pride.
It's not supposed to be like this.
I refuse to become numb.
I text you good luck. No reply, but that's expected. I sleep next to pillows I refuse to smell...until this morning as I make the bed. I sneak in a puff like stealing a cigarette without getting caught. My new toothbrush, the toothpaste you 'stole', your towel went to the laundry - I now regret it. Cetaphil. I'll leave your things, hoping you'll come back to me. Hoping you'll keep your promise and soften your heart. I prayed that for you so many times yesterday and today. I love you so...Still promise to see us through if you'll see the right path and choose it. So tired.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
love economy
What's a promise worth in your struggling love economy? Is it devalued currency, because in mine, it's gold, worth even more when everything else is down. Can't buy a thing but trade for a pile of increasingly worthless paper, the smart cherish it for the security it provides, refusing to sell or trade. Clinging to it as if their human existence depends on it. The only constant commodity - Universally recognized...
Friday, September 26, 2008
relationship optimism in a crunch
I love you for being.
I love you for evolving.
I love you for wanting to protect & comfort~even when you don't know how.
I love you for your desire & your touch.
I love you for caring.
I love you for being conflicted & still choosing.
I love you for waking next to me each morning.
I love you for not knowing all the answers, but being curious instead.
I love that you indulge and don't judge me for the same ~ even when it's odd.
I love that you're driven even if it's to spend the day doing nothing.
I love that you provide and let me do the same.
I love that you cook for me.
I love that we have our little "things" we've done or that we laugh about.
I love how you eat crunchy stuff...it's cute.
I love that you just know.
I love that you appreciate who I am.
I love when you notice little details about me that show you're starting to really understand...
I love that you respect nature and things with fur.
I love when you can feel what I need and just do it.
I love when you remind me of things I almost forgot to do but must...
I love that you love my meatloaf.
I love your intelligence and your intuition. Your heart.
I love that you sleep through my kisses and cuddles but sometimes moan cause you like my touch.
I love that you're not as threatened by my sister.
I love that you're beginning to see through to the deeper depths of my heart.
I love that I look forward to seeing you each time.
I love that you bring me peace in turmoil.
I love your strength when I need it and your humility at times.
I love that you stand by the decisions you made and are learning to be more aware of how they affect us.
I love that you're grounded but still adventurous.
I love that holding your hand feels so right.
I love you hold on and that you also let go...
I love to make you proud.
I love that you're always paying attention to little things.
I love that you're not always what you seem.
I love that you stand up for us and believe in us.
I love when you breathe me in when I'm there and even after I've left.
I love that you support the things I'm passionate about ~even when you don't understand it or agree...
I love that we are a team.
I love that you will be a great father and raise strong, responsible, kids.
I love that you're learning that sometimes all I need is a hug~not a solution.
Your hugs fix so much. You are my light.
I love you for evolving.
I love you for wanting to protect & comfort~even when you don't know how.
I love you for your desire & your touch.
I love you for caring.
I love you for being conflicted & still choosing.
I love you for waking next to me each morning.
I love you for not knowing all the answers, but being curious instead.
I love that you indulge and don't judge me for the same ~ even when it's odd.
I love that you're driven even if it's to spend the day doing nothing.
I love that you provide and let me do the same.
I love that you cook for me.
I love that we have our little "things" we've done or that we laugh about.
I love how you eat crunchy stuff...it's cute.
I love that you just know.
I love that you appreciate who I am.
I love when you notice little details about me that show you're starting to really understand...
I love that you respect nature and things with fur.
I love when you can feel what I need and just do it.
I love when you remind me of things I almost forgot to do but must...
I love that you love my meatloaf.
I love your intelligence and your intuition. Your heart.
I love that you sleep through my kisses and cuddles but sometimes moan cause you like my touch.
I love that you're not as threatened by my sister.
I love that you're beginning to see through to the deeper depths of my heart.
I love that I look forward to seeing you each time.
I love that you bring me peace in turmoil.
I love your strength when I need it and your humility at times.
I love that you stand by the decisions you made and are learning to be more aware of how they affect us.
I love that you're grounded but still adventurous.
I love that holding your hand feels so right.
I love you hold on and that you also let go...
I love to make you proud.
I love that you're always paying attention to little things.
I love that you're not always what you seem.
I love that you stand up for us and believe in us.
I love when you breathe me in when I'm there and even after I've left.
I love that you support the things I'm passionate about ~even when you don't understand it or agree...
I love that we are a team.
I love that you will be a great father and raise strong, responsible, kids.
I love that you're learning that sometimes all I need is a hug~not a solution.
Your hugs fix so much. You are my light.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Out of the blue...book that is...6/19/07-6/21/07
What do I want? In life, in love ~ I suppose I've always been one to adapt to circumstance, learn to embrace it as my own and run with it, so I guess some soul searching is in order. Being flexible, I thought suited me well, but here I am ~ pushing the first third of my life, and I am alone. Not in the most literal sense…well actually, I'm sitting in the Toronto baggage claim with everyone that works here mentioning how bored I look…so alone it is.
More importantly, I've only recently begun this portion of my life and I've started nearly from scratch. I don't really have remnants of friends that I grew up with other than those that I've recently exchanged a few electronic sentiments with. Part of me likes it this way, but only because of the circumstances that determined my departure almost 12 years ago. I have no issues with the decisions I made back then - they are what they are ~ I do wish I had more to show for them, but I'm happy with who I've become ~ generally speaking.
I can't say my desire to be further along in life is not a result of social pressure - although it has been something I've preferred to stray from. It's inevitably an undeniable force in the type and intensity of pressure I put on myself. It's beyond the basics of where I think I should be. The question is - looking through all of that, what is really in my heart and is that something I will recognize once I have. And if my heart's desire is a deviation from social expectation, will I allow it, or stifle it? I know I want my independence, my compassion, my intelligence and my humility to be maintained regardless of whether I am alone the rest of my life or if I'm with the most devoted husband and family. But I also want to be somewhat revered and most certainly respected.
I want someone who is on a similar path in life, who may not have the exact dream, but sees and understands mine. Someone who is so pleased by my happiness that they are driven to encourage me to succeed and will contribute to that in any way they can. I want to be so in love with that person that I'm doing the same - but I don't want the goals that we both share to conflict to the point that they aren't mutually pursuable. (is that a word? Lol) If I don't come across this I will continue on that quest alone, but something I really need to work on is convincing myself that the goals and dreams I have for myself and my life are priority above the goal of having someone to pursue them with. And if I make that the priority for myself it is more likely that when individuals come in and out of my life, I will be able to discern their true intentions and likeness, as my goal will remain constant and I will have a clear view of how/if they will fit in.
Novel concept, I know…Just not how my life has lead me to live to this point. I don't want to compromise my morals or ideals and often times I find myself close to that in my desire to be desirable. Really, this accomplishes nothing by way of strengthening the relationship or my faith in myself. These are ideals I wish had been instilled in my head by example or experience instead of having been raised to fit an expectation with little or no deviation. The concept of being myself is so foreign to me that I couldn't even act it in a play convincingly.
As much as I know I have the potential to be strong and independent, I have such a strong desire to be and have a companion in life. I want someone to be my ground - my roots - my home. I want to be able to gallivant around the world with or without him and know that it pains him to be away from me as much as it does me, but that it only drives the positive intensity of the relationship. I don't want someone who resents who I am or desire to become so that I know in my heart of hearts that he is and will always be my biggest supporter ~ especially when everyone else thinks I've lost all sanity. I want him to know the purity of my heart and I want to know his. I don't want to question his motives or whether or not he is satisfied with who I am or want to become. I don't want to carry him or be carried except for the rare exception, at which point, I would stop at nothing. I want to be the first thing on his mind when he wakes and I want him to tell me that. I want him to lose track of his thoughts when I catch his eye, and to always be enamored with me, even 20 years from now.
Knowing fully well these things don't come immediately, in the meantime, I'd like to just be able to laugh, or cry, but mostly, be my quirky, goofy self and maybe later, we'll have matching luggage.
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