Out of the blue…book that is...11/12/06

11/7/06 (revisited)

What I'm finding is that most people think this blog is referring to my upcoming trip. In actuality, it is the grand inquisition I endure often, but especially lately, as I contemplate major life decisions.

The destination I'm referring to is whatever I choose to do with my life, generally speaking. I have a good job, a career per se, but it is definitely not what I want to do forever. I just finished my 4th interview for an internal move - I'm not sure how that will go. I am constantly re-defining my destination - always shooting for bigger/better, not necessarily in the traditional sense; rather, I ask myself, "What will make the most impact on making the world a better place? What is the greatest outlet for the compassion I feel? Will a lifetime of giving be enough to satisfy me? What can I control that will shape my destiny?".

I tend to focus on career more often than relationships. My career has always been my foundation in life. For the past 9 years at my company, it has fulfilled me more than anything else in my life. But, it fulfills me no more. I am not making the world a better place by convincing Home Depot to sell our product over our competitors offering. Sure our company contributes to many charities, but there is no personal satisfaction in that.

I address the relationship portion as my travel companion. I truly believe that God puts people in our paths that either effect change or support and edify us on our journey. The key here is that they are put in our paths. We are not supposed to abandon our destination and pursue someone else's simply because we want some company. We are to continue the pursuit of what we have determined is right for us at that moment and God will provide for our needs - even in the way of encouragement. Sometimes that means we have rivals. And when we encounter those challenges, we can not control their presence. That is their choice. Instead of getting distracted by them - I prefer to view their presence as an acknowledgement of the importance of your journey. Why would they waste their time abandoning their own future, even momentarily, to come antagonize you? I feel honored and only treat them with the utmost kindness, yet disregard anything they say or do that is meant to derail.

What will I bring to my destination? Should it be as little as possible? Should I only gather up what I need at throughout the journey to sustain me? Can I be satisfied or entertained by sentimental offerings to remind me of miles past? I'm not a fan. I'm a minimalist. Resources should not be allocated to such things, as the memory, or renewed thought has more effect in my case. On possessions I know that sacrificing the desires of the "flesh" is the most efficient approach, as any excess above what is required to sustain should be put toward the "cause". However, in my case, there are certain things that, although on the surface may look excessive, actually allow me to cross paths with persons of influence that I can consult or encourage regarding my pursued cause. Often times, "things" enable us to present more convincingly - or to outwardly personify our abilities. The reality is, we are conditioned to make judgment based on an expectation. If an individual does not present well, we assume (bad thing to do, but again, its reality) they are what the majority of other people who have presented themselves similarly represented. It is our challenge to determine which "things" are a benefit vs. which "things" are a hindrance or distraction.

Regardless of success and failure, I do believe that the journey matters. How much is a personal decision. But, the journey can make more of a difference than we will ever acknowledge when we are blinded by our drive to accomplish. Only those who pursue the same or closely similar destination can fully appreciate the impact we made. We may give them a roadmap for everything they should NOT do - but that is just as important as a roadmap that guides them through effortlessly to where we expired. They may not appreciate your struggle if it does not seemingly make their journey less challenging, but that is beyond your control. In the realization of this, resolve to be the opposite.

Do not, however, get distracted by leaving a legacy - for you will, inevitably fail at both that and reaching your destination. It is not about who we are and what we will become. That is a self-defeating attitude. It is about what we can give - making people's lives better...

"The definition of success--To laugh much; to win respect of intelligent persons and the affections of children; to earn the approbation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give one's self; to leave the world a little better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition.; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm, and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived--this is to have succeeded."

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

It is also important to accept and appreciate the gifts that God gives us. Maybe it's a day of sunlight, the embrace of a friend, or the laughing of a child. Regardless, it is to our own demise if we do not take a moment to appreciate and recharge a bit in those moments. Often times, more sustenance can be derived from those moments than anything consumable or otherwise.

Out of the blue…book that is…11/7/06

So close, but so incredibly far away. What is the destination? And if you don't know, how do you know how close you are or how far away for that matter? Is it really about the journey? If it is, then how can any proximity be relative? What if the purpose of the journey is to constantly re-determine the destination, so therefore, there is never really any destination at all – yet, at the same time, there is always a destination…

From where, then, should one derive satisfaction? Is it in each re-definition of a revised destination – assuming of course, that it is a progressive process? Or should it be in the survival of the journey for an exceptional amount of time? Maybe it's in who you gather to travel as your companion – or even as your rival ~ an accomplishment in their acknowledgement. Maybe it's about what you'll bring with you to your destination, although that must be constantly progressed in step with the revision process.

Would it be the path you forge through the unknown? The fact that your legacy remains in a place you are not? Is it in the appreciation of the wonders you encounter on your way? Maybe it's because you took your time – appreciated it all & didn't miss a thing. Maybe it's in the ability to decipher and follow a map. I guess the most important thing to me right now, is to simply keep going – never be discouraged by a stumble or roadblock.

Out of the blue…book that is...10/8/06

So when you're so close and hovering to something you've wanted so bad and for so long ~ something you were sure would be the end ~ your "Z" ~ and you are two fingers from a padded room, do you ask yourself why? Or would that prove the justification they have in their minds to open that door, thrust you inside and feed you with plastic spoons the rest of your life? Do we call this a natural progression? Is this what God kept warning Job about?

How do I know that he sees blue as the same color as I do? Maybe his blue is my red, still we both call it blue~ So how do I not worry about something so important? I mean, there are many, many things blue defines. Important things, like this book! Oh, and the sky, too!! But seriously though, if we both operate under the assumption that what we know as blue is the same color~ and that the composition of that color is not affected by background, illumination, or reflected light from other sources...so if I am not exposed to those same circumstances, my perception of blue may create an entirely different visual sensation, therefore defining my blue as something significantly varied from his. Then we are allowing ourselves to be completely oblivious to the possibility of some major compatibility issues later on that could totally undermine the relationship ~ because if the sky isn't blue, then what is it? Light traveling through space, bumping into dust and gas molecules, reflecting in different directions, the longer wavelengths passing through and the shorter one getting absorbed by gas and radiating its blue to blanket our earth and confuse us all?

Love is not clearly and absolutely defined. Should I let it be or protect myself? Can I have great love without great risk? Is this risk real, or imagined? Is it present, but exaggerated? Maybe it's fed and attracted by its self-perpetuation. Seems like it's self-sustaining. I've overcome worse before, but have I accumulated significant strength for another bout? What if this ends up being the most refreshing, replenishing experience of my life ~ just as represented? What am I missing out on? Blind faith. Bound fear.

I am only the reflection of a Light, far away, my source of inspiration, the origin of my blue.

Out of the blue…book that is...9/14/06

In my life, there have been no shortages of challenges...I tend to welcome them, actually ~ although I claim I'm searching for peace and harmony in my life... Go figure. Anyway, this one, I didn't ask for ~ I didn't seek it out. A hand dealt to me ~ either at conception or per karma... I've tried to play these cards, tried to fold 'em too, but no matter how many rounds I play, the exact same cards come back to me! So, I can either get frustrated and upset about it & get nowhere but frustrated and upset ~ or I can learn to pick a strategic approach to work the next round in my favor. Based on my track record, the second is more likely... The issues here is constraint of the rules of reality. Reality is my friend ~ Reality is the ultimate truth, and truth is my friend.

Out of the blue…book that is...9/9/06

Why are some people so much more content than others, while others insist on resisting happiness even when it pounds on their door? I don't ask this question because I am looking for the answer ~ I am well aware of the possible causes and/or influences. I'm simply sending a message "upstairs". (to my own brain)

***incomplete thought, because I fell asleep during this entry***

About the "Blue Book"

FORWARD: Throughout the second half of my life, I have always kept journals. I believe that they can be a wonderful outlet for happiness, for stress, for things that you can not speak out loud - maybe because you don't have the guts, you don't want to hurt someone, or maybe because you don't want to acknowledge reality....

I wrote so I would not forget. I used to, and sometimes still, repress things - but that's not the only reason I wanted to remember. I wanted to remember so I would learn from my past. Anyone who knows me, knows my philosophy on regrets...I have none...but the only way that is possible is to take my experiences and use them when making decisions in the present.

And I wanted to capture my emotions in the moment, or at least soon there after, whether they were good or bad - to be able to vividly recall them...On occasion, I used them for motivation for change. Other times, to remember and appreciate the blessings I have received in my lifetime.

Most of my previous books are full of some pretty funky stuff, some very sad, some very happy, some confused. Every emotion is captured. Mostly past relationship issues. Some family stuff too, often comtemplating the direction of my life.

I bought a pink one once. Swore I'd only write good things. It started out good. Then I didn't write much. Although it breaks a steadfast rule, blank pages remain - as if a chapter has been left out. One day, I will finish that chapter...when I am ready to revist that part of my life.

Then I found the next one...

The "Blue Book" is a journal of sorts, too. But this one is different. A beautiful soft, Italian leather bound, baby blue. My mom's favorite color...with a crested fleur on the cover. This one was going to be reserved. Reserved for "the one". I held out a good year before the first entry, and even that entry was first written in a separate notebook and later transcribed...I will type exactly as written.

Out of the blue…book that is...9/1/06

I know that we have been somewhat conditioned into thinking that we need love - this was an epiphany I had while my life was turning upside down in 2004. And I realize that it is not truly a necessity for sustaining life on this earth…However, I am also one who intends to be aware of my heart's desire and will likely "live life to the fullest" no matter what place I'm in at a given time. But, sometimes those desires conflict. And sometimes, my logic interferes in a defensive strike and overrules, or dare I say, silences those desires. So often times, I attempt to reason through it all and synchronize the two of them. The past few weeks, I have been trying to figure out whether the space previously reserved for a husband or potential husband could adequately be filled by other interests or causes. I have a massive amount of compassion for all people and especially those in desperate need because of situations they can not control. Would expending that pent up energy, excitement, passion, etc. on that cause be enough to suffice? And if not, should I even be looking for that person in the meantime, or could pursuing that cause keep me satisfied and fulfilled until he comes around? And if he never does, will the void have a negative impact on my life or longevity? And when I am in my final days, will I finally have something to regret?