Out of the blue…book that is...10/8/06

So when you're so close and hovering to something you've wanted so bad and for so long ~ something you were sure would be the end ~ your "Z" ~ and you are two fingers from a padded room, do you ask yourself why? Or would that prove the justification they have in their minds to open that door, thrust you inside and feed you with plastic spoons the rest of your life? Do we call this a natural progression? Is this what God kept warning Job about?

How do I know that he sees blue as the same color as I do? Maybe his blue is my red, still we both call it blue~ So how do I not worry about something so important? I mean, there are many, many things blue defines. Important things, like this book! Oh, and the sky, too!! But seriously though, if we both operate under the assumption that what we know as blue is the same color~ and that the composition of that color is not affected by background, illumination, or reflected light from other sources...so if I am not exposed to those same circumstances, my perception of blue may create an entirely different visual sensation, therefore defining my blue as something significantly varied from his. Then we are allowing ourselves to be completely oblivious to the possibility of some major compatibility issues later on that could totally undermine the relationship ~ because if the sky isn't blue, then what is it? Light traveling through space, bumping into dust and gas molecules, reflecting in different directions, the longer wavelengths passing through and the shorter one getting absorbed by gas and radiating its blue to blanket our earth and confuse us all?

Love is not clearly and absolutely defined. Should I let it be or protect myself? Can I have great love without great risk? Is this risk real, or imagined? Is it present, but exaggerated? Maybe it's fed and attracted by its self-perpetuation. Seems like it's self-sustaining. I've overcome worse before, but have I accumulated significant strength for another bout? What if this ends up being the most refreshing, replenishing experience of my life ~ just as represented? What am I missing out on? Blind faith. Bound fear.

I am only the reflection of a Light, far away, my source of inspiration, the origin of my blue.

Out of the blue…book that is...9/14/06

In my life, there have been no shortages of challenges...I tend to welcome them, actually ~ although I claim I'm searching for peace and harmony in my life... Go figure. Anyway, this one, I didn't ask for ~ I didn't seek it out. A hand dealt to me ~ either at conception or per karma... I've tried to play these cards, tried to fold 'em too, but no matter how many rounds I play, the exact same cards come back to me! So, I can either get frustrated and upset about it & get nowhere but frustrated and upset ~ or I can learn to pick a strategic approach to work the next round in my favor. Based on my track record, the second is more likely... The issues here is constraint of the rules of reality. Reality is my friend ~ Reality is the ultimate truth, and truth is my friend.

Out of the blue…book that is...9/9/06

Why are some people so much more content than others, while others insist on resisting happiness even when it pounds on their door? I don't ask this question because I am looking for the answer ~ I am well aware of the possible causes and/or influences. I'm simply sending a message "upstairs". (to my own brain)

***incomplete thought, because I fell asleep during this entry***

About the "Blue Book"

FORWARD: Throughout the second half of my life, I have always kept journals. I believe that they can be a wonderful outlet for happiness, for stress, for things that you can not speak out loud - maybe because you don't have the guts, you don't want to hurt someone, or maybe because you don't want to acknowledge reality....

I wrote so I would not forget. I used to, and sometimes still, repress things - but that's not the only reason I wanted to remember. I wanted to remember so I would learn from my past. Anyone who knows me, knows my philosophy on regrets...I have none...but the only way that is possible is to take my experiences and use them when making decisions in the present.

And I wanted to capture my emotions in the moment, or at least soon there after, whether they were good or bad - to be able to vividly recall them...On occasion, I used them for motivation for change. Other times, to remember and appreciate the blessings I have received in my lifetime.

Most of my previous books are full of some pretty funky stuff, some very sad, some very happy, some confused. Every emotion is captured. Mostly past relationship issues. Some family stuff too, often comtemplating the direction of my life.

I bought a pink one once. Swore I'd only write good things. It started out good. Then I didn't write much. Although it breaks a steadfast rule, blank pages remain - as if a chapter has been left out. One day, I will finish that chapter...when I am ready to revist that part of my life.

Then I found the next one...

The "Blue Book" is a journal of sorts, too. But this one is different. A beautiful soft, Italian leather bound, baby blue. My mom's favorite color...with a crested fleur on the cover. This one was going to be reserved. Reserved for "the one". I held out a good year before the first entry, and even that entry was first written in a separate notebook and later transcribed...I will type exactly as written.

Out of the blue…book that is...9/1/06

I know that we have been somewhat conditioned into thinking that we need love - this was an epiphany I had while my life was turning upside down in 2004. And I realize that it is not truly a necessity for sustaining life on this earth…However, I am also one who intends to be aware of my heart's desire and will likely "live life to the fullest" no matter what place I'm in at a given time. But, sometimes those desires conflict. And sometimes, my logic interferes in a defensive strike and overrules, or dare I say, silences those desires. So often times, I attempt to reason through it all and synchronize the two of them. The past few weeks, I have been trying to figure out whether the space previously reserved for a husband or potential husband could adequately be filled by other interests or causes. I have a massive amount of compassion for all people and especially those in desperate need because of situations they can not control. Would expending that pent up energy, excitement, passion, etc. on that cause be enough to suffice? And if not, should I even be looking for that person in the meantime, or could pursuing that cause keep me satisfied and fulfilled until he comes around? And if he never does, will the void have a negative impact on my life or longevity? And when I am in my final days, will I finally have something to regret?

The Art of Being Wise...

"The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook."

~ William James

Being wise...Something I have obviously not yet mastered. There are so many little things that I am trying to overlook, but they continue to bother me and I am antagonizing myself with questions as to whether or not they should continue to be overlooked.

At what point does an action, and/or the continuous repetition of that action, lose its "overlooking privileges"? And what about things that, even occurring ONCE, didn't qualify for that privilege in the first place??

How do I determine what qualifies and what does not? What if it REALLY annoys me? Does that automatically disqualify it for that privilege of being overlooked? And even more so if I have already made it VERY clear on several occasions that it is such an annoyance?

What if it disgusts me? Or annoys AND disgusts me? Or annoys and disgusts AND angers me? Angers? You ask How did it graduate from annoy to disgust to anger? Read on

What if the action is significant enough to change my opinion of the person doing it? That the original sentiment that I have of that person is completely overridden, at that moment, by the opinion I have of that act and that person when it is being done? And when I am able to overlook the act, I try to recalibrate my opinion of the person as if the act had never occurred with no success, then what?

And the blatant disregard for the several requests to cease and desist? Isnt THAT enough to disqualify the original act for overlooking privileges? Wont the continuance of the act, if overlooked, simply fester and become a major point of issue later, bleeding into other areas and causing unnecessary resentment?

Does requesting that the act be discontinued mean that I am trying to CHANGE who that person is? And because the person continues to act that way, isnt THAT a stronger indication that it is ingrained into that persons being? So if I ask them to change it, even if they do for a short period, chances are that they will revert, right? So whats the point? Shouldnt we all be free to do as we wish? But then, if my wish is to not be around such actions, wouldnt I need to exercise my freedom to remove myself from that situation?

But what if I like a lot of other things about the person? What if the person is genuinely good, but they simply have issues annoying issues? And the person does not like that they annoy me, but still does not stop does that mean that the emphasis, the importance of that act, as an issue, is not present in their mind? Does that mean that the importance of ME is not present either?

And if I have the foresight to realize that this act is will impede the person from being effective with potential future roles and responsibilities, would it be unwise for me to, knowingly, consider them as a candidate for that role?

Am I within my right to be angry about the perplexity of this situation? If I really like the person otherwise, and the thought of not having this person around long term pains me and I consider the adjustment of this factor to be a fairly simple task and yet it is not happening, am I within my right to think that my feelings on the topic are insignificant to the person? And therefore be angry?

And if I am angry if I have devoted all this brain time to the subject and it affects me so, would it not be wise to NOT overlook it?

In my belief of fate creating relationships in our lives for a reason, would this be an exercise in helping the person become more aware? Where does my responsibility to do this end? If I have tried and can not, would this be an exercise in learning when to walk away?

I need to consider the significance of the loss vs the significance of the affects of the act.

Out of the blue…book that is…6/3/06

Thinking of a way to have it all ~ I feel so stifled, there is so much compassion inside my heart that I am not finding an adequate outlet for. It is so much compassion that it would overwhelm even one hundred people. My work is sucking me dry and I feel like I'm wasting time. I must come up with a way to effectively represent myself as an asset to an organization that I would be willing to passionately represent. This is my recent challenge….So we sit in the middle of a fountain near Lake Shore Drive ~ Hadassah takes pictures of me contemplating major life changes ~ which I have been doing the past few days ~ They haven't varied much lately, but are a far cry from previous plans. She is very thrown off. I don't blame her and am trying to be very patient. Her life and mine are so intertwined any flux in mine is a major flux in hers…I must understand why.