Thursday, June 21, 2007

Out of the blue...book that is...6/19/07-6/21/07

What do I want? In life, in love ~ I suppose I've always been one to adapt to circumstance, learn to embrace it as my own and run with it, so I guess some soul searching is in order. Being flexible, I thought suited me well, but here I am ~ pushing the first third of my life, and I am alone. Not in the most literal sense…well actually, I'm sitting in the Toronto baggage claim with everyone that works here mentioning how bored I look…so alone it is.

More importantly, I've only recently begun this portion of my life and I've started nearly from scratch. I don't really have remnants of friends that I grew up with other than those that I've recently exchanged a few electronic sentiments with. Part of me likes it this way, but only because of the circumstances that determined my departure almost 12 years ago. I have no issues with the decisions I made back then - they are what they are ~ I do wish I had more to show for them, but I'm happy with who I've become ~ generally speaking.

I can't say my desire to be further along in life is not a result of social pressure - although it has been something I've preferred to stray from. It's inevitably an undeniable force in the type and intensity of pressure I put on myself. It's beyond the basics of where I think I should be. The question is - looking through all of that, what is really in my heart and is that something I will recognize once I have. And if my heart's desire is a deviation from social expectation, will I allow it, or stifle it? I know I want my independence, my compassion, my intelligence and my humility to be maintained regardless of whether I am alone the rest of my life or if I'm with the most devoted husband and family. But I also want to be somewhat revered and most certainly respected.

I want someone who is on a similar path in life, who may not have the exact dream, but sees and understands mine. Someone who is so pleased by my happiness that they are driven to encourage me to succeed and will contribute to that in any way they can. I want to be so in love with that person that I'm doing the same - but I don't want the goals that we both share to conflict to the point that they aren't mutually pursuable. (is that a word? Lol) If I don't come across this I will continue on that quest alone, but something I really need to work on is convincing myself that the goals and dreams I have for myself and my life are priority above the goal of having someone to pursue them with. And if I make that the priority for myself it is more likely that when individuals come in and out of my life, I will be able to discern their true intentions and likeness, as my goal will remain constant and I will have a clear view of how/if they will fit in.

Novel concept, I know…Just not how my life has lead me to live to this point. I don't want to compromise my morals or ideals and often times I find myself close to that in my desire to be desirable. Really, this accomplishes nothing by way of strengthening the relationship or my faith in myself. These are ideals I wish had been instilled in my head by example or experience instead of having been raised to fit an expectation with little or no deviation. The concept of being myself is so foreign to me that I couldn't even act it in a play convincingly.

As much as I know I have the potential to be strong and independent, I have such a strong desire to be and have a companion in life. I want someone to be my ground - my roots - my home. I want to be able to gallivant around the world with or without him and know that it pains him to be away from me as much as it does me, but that it only drives the positive intensity of the relationship. I don't want someone who resents who I am or desire to become so that I know in my heart of hearts that he is and will always be my biggest supporter ~ especially when everyone else thinks I've lost all sanity. I want him to know the purity of my heart and I want to know his. I don't want to question his motives or whether or not he is satisfied with who I am or want to become. I don't want to carry him or be carried except for the rare exception, at which point, I would stop at nothing. I want to be the first thing on his mind when he wakes and I want him to tell me that. I want him to lose track of his thoughts when I catch his eye, and to always be enamored with me, even 20 years from now.

Knowing fully well these things don't come immediately, in the meantime, I'd like to just be able to laugh, or cry, but mostly, be my quirky, goofy self and maybe later, we'll have matching luggage.